Good & Bad News.

Alright, yesterday was my therapist appointment. & We talked a LOT about this whole situation...so I am going to another clinic within the next week, possibly. It's still in the admission process. I am really relieved I'm going to get help, but I am still terrified of gaining weight, getting fat again. & I am pissed off at myself, because I still feel like I'm not emaciated enough to belong in a place like that. Plus, after how hard I've been working at this weight loss, I feel like I'm just giving up. Of course, that's the ED inside me saying that but it's kinda hard not to listen to the little demon.
I'm very anxious to get there. Don't know what it'll be like. Cuz I'm not going back to the same clinic as before. I really wish I was, because I came to know & trust the staff there. I love them. :( But yeah...it's 9 hours away from home so I'm screwed. Going to the clinic closest to where I live, an hour away, in Durham.

I hope this time I'll let myself get well, & STAY well.

fuck

Are you still throwing up? No. (Yes)
Are you eating better? Yeah. (No)
Because you know how horrible that is for your health & teeth. Yep. (What the fuck ever.)

Lying through my teeth when these people talk to me. What the hell is my problem? Losing weight isn't any good anymore. My stomach still looks pregnant, and my thighs are still huge. I can't get anymore smaller. It just isn't happening no matter how much weight I lose. I fucking hate myself.