A hard day

I ended up purging twice today. I always end up doing it at family/social gatherings. Because I always indulge myself with SO much food. I have no self control. I wish I could be a clean and tidy anorexic but I'm messy; I eat whatever is in front of me and when I do end up purging it all comes up, splashing violently into the toilet while my eyes bulge out and water to the point it hurts to even keep them open. My nose runs nonstop and even bleeds sometimes. And the puke gets on my face and hands because I have to do it so fast so that no one can walk in on me. No time to wipe my face and hands while in the process.
Sorry for these gross and disgusting details, I KNOW that purging is a terrible behavior to use. But I don't struggle with only anorexia or with only bulimia. I have a mix of both, along with some periods of attempting to eat healthily. But they never last. I'm always going back and forth between purging and restricting, sometimes even binging, and then eating "normally." It never fucking ends! EDNOS is pure torture. I can't begin to explain how frustrating it is to go back and forth from one behavior to another, having periods of relapse, then periods of recovery. I just want it all to stop. I want to have a normal relationship with food but I don't know how. I always obsess over it; it's all I can think about. I like to eat when I'm bored or upset. Not only when I'm hungry. In fact, feeling hunger is never what makes me want to eat. I can deal with the growling stomach and chest pains. It's just the empty void that is created when I cut out food from my life, it's that that makes me want to binge binge BINGE. I sometimes feel as if I view food as the fucking holy grail. It's terrible, I know. But hey, it happens after years of being underweight and malnourished. I just can't purely starve myself anymore. I can't handle it. I always break down and eat my ass off. I feel like I don't even HAVE an eating disorder anymore. I am too fat now to even be looked at and called anorexic, like how I used to be. I miss it so much. I miss feeling semi-comfortable in my own skin. I miss actually believing I WAS skinny (though I was never skinny enough in my opinion).
I don't know how to get over it. I don't know how to have a normal relationship with food, I don't know how I can beat EDNOS. It seems like an impossible feat.
I know I should try my best to eat healthy for my girlfriend. I have to be here to help her and support her and love her. But if I keep up all these behaviors I really just don't want to be here anymore. I am getting suicidal thoughts more often because I get so frustrated with my body. I feel huger than ever and it is really just driving me insane! I can't stand living in my body. I feel like the most hideous girl on earth. I have terrible acne on my face, which ironically never got this bad until AFTER I began my weight restoration. I can't stand my face, now, at all. It used to look sunken in. Now it is chubby and makes me look disgusting. I want to cut it up because it disgusts me so much.
Ugh, I'm just going to stop there, now. I've had enough ranting for one night. I don't even know if writing about this even helps me; it just seems now that it gets me even more worked up. Yet I still journal on a daily basis and keep returning to this blog.
I don't understand why, but whatever.