Yesterday at my therapy appointment I was given an ultimatum: keep
starving and get sent off to the state psychiatric hospital, or start
eating again and stay on the road to recovery.
So I chose recovery
of course! No way was I going to spend the rest of my life locked up in
the legit mad house!! I can't believe my therapist was so ready to call
the hospital on me. Good thing I decided to eat. I need to stay at home
so I don't break my friends and family's hearts... I can't afford to
ruin my future anymore. Plus, I need to stay home also so I'll be here
when my friend gets out of treatment! I hope that will be soon, but
she's having a really hard time... I feel like that's partly my fault
because I told her how I was starving myself and she got really upset.
I'm waiting for her next phone time so I can tell her everything. I hope
I can make things right...
Today I had for breakfast: 2 pecan pancakes and chocolate soy milk
lunch: peanut caramel protein bar and turkey sandwich.
Snack will be next, around 3:00! I think I'll have some greek yogurt.
I'm
trying not to overdo it with eating, because yesterday after that
appointment I went a little overboard for lunch and dinner. So keying it
down today. My stomach is really bloated by all of this food and I feel
like I've gained at least 5 pounds... Ugh. But I'll keep eating, no
worries. I really do feel better mentally and emotionally when I'm
feeding myself. And I really have no reason to keep starving myself and
lose weight. I have a support team and friends and family who care so
much. I have been taking everything for granted and being really selfish
by trying to kill myself via anorexia. I don't know what happened in my
head for me to want that more than anything. I think part of the reason
is that I have a fear of failure. Sometimes I feel like I'll get
nowhere in life, that I won't ever learn how to drive, I won't be able
to finish college, get a job, live on my own...
But that's only my
disorder telling me this stuff. I have as much a chance as everyone
else in being successful at life! I need to keep telling myself I CAN do
this. I can do anything I set my mind to.
I should know, because I
know that in the past when I set my mind to losing weight, that's
exactly what I did. So now I can put my time and determination into
recovery instead of relapse.
9.11.13
4.11.13
Nov 4
So about that last post! That was the night I took 5 Lamictal, 5 Zyprexa, drank Fluoride mouthwash, and cut my leg. I was pretty suicidal but I don't know if what I did actually legitimately counts as a suicide attempt. I just got really reallyy sleepy and dizzy, and had to keep reminding myself to breathe on the drive up to the emergency department. My parents were pretty freaked and I was too kind of, about the breathing part. I wondered more than once if my body had just had it.
But no charcoal drinking that time!! They just let me sleep off all the effects of the pills for over a day, laying in the emergency room hooked up to an IV and heart monitor. Oh and I didn't tell anyone about the fluoride. I figured I didn't drink enough to do any real damage.
After all that sleep and boredom when I WAS awake, I was taken back to the psych ward again. My fifth time at that particular one, and this time I was on the adult ward.
It was creepy as FUCK! The adults had disabilities, missing teeth, and alcoholism. On the unit I was in anyway. I was really freaked/grossed out. And they all told me I was skinny (even though the last time I was in that hospital I weighed fucking 115 at 5'9"--now THAT was skinny). And they said I was just "so young," I "have my whole life ahead of me!"
I know that dammit. And it's scary as fuck. Yeah, life is scary.
I purged like 8 times while I was there for just 4 days. Cuz I ate like a pig. Three meals a day with THREE snacks as well! Crazy fattening. But I couldn't help myself because I found it soo hard to starve at the time.
I was lucky to get out so soon, though. My last stay in 2011 I had to stay TWELVE days--and THEN I was transferred to a residential behavioral hospital (AKA the hellhole known as Brynn Marr, in Jacksonville, North Carolina). But enough about that.
So I got to go home, I got to keep listening to my music and texting/facebooking my friends. Everything went back to normal. No new therapist or psychiatrist--still seeing my same ones, and my same nutritionist as well.
I was pretty happy to be back home, ESPECIALLY when my friend whom I met in an eating disorder treatment facility moved back to North Carolina--around an hour's drive from where I live. Things were peachy. I got really close with her, I got back on track with school, I was eating "healthy".
Everything changed on November first. Truthfully, it had been starting to change, say, October 30th. My friend was not following her meal plan at all, she wasn't eating enough to keep the weight on. I was starting to get triggered, and I was slightly restricting my caloric/food intake as well.
Then Nov 1st, she told me that she had to go back to the treatment center. Her doctors and therapist, and the staff at the treatment center all agreed she needed to come back. She was almost back to her admission weight.
Everything kind of fell apart. I don't blame her at all! I just felt so hurt and alone when I heard the news. She hadn't been deliberately trying to lose weight. And yet she still needed to go back. I began starving myself again. Ultimately eating 500 (but probably less actually) calories a day. it's my way of fucking coping. Today she's being admitted. I am overwhelmed with the fact I won't be able to see her for a while, and I am overwhelmed with school. I do not have an overload of work--I just have French (which I need to study) and English (for which I have a research paper and presentation to get started on). Call me lazy, I'll admit it. I just DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING THIS SHIT.
My mood is in the toilet. I have only eaten several grapes today and it is 4:05. For dinner I plan on eating a slice of white bread, with an UBER thin slice of turkey. Less than 100 calories. (And yet I still want to eat even less, if not anything AT ALL.)
I don't know, I'm just tired of everything. I want my heart to fail, I want to die from this eating disorder. Of course, I'll probably end up back in treatment before that happens. But I'm fine with that too. As long as it helps me escape from the real world.
The real world is full of anxieties, depression, hopelessness, helplessness, and disappointment.
I'm too lazy to want to keep dealing with it.
I figure once I get skinny again, it will make everything better. In a negative way, but still better.
Just fuck everything.
But no charcoal drinking that time!! They just let me sleep off all the effects of the pills for over a day, laying in the emergency room hooked up to an IV and heart monitor. Oh and I didn't tell anyone about the fluoride. I figured I didn't drink enough to do any real damage.
After all that sleep and boredom when I WAS awake, I was taken back to the psych ward again. My fifth time at that particular one, and this time I was on the adult ward.
It was creepy as FUCK! The adults had disabilities, missing teeth, and alcoholism. On the unit I was in anyway. I was really freaked/grossed out. And they all told me I was skinny (even though the last time I was in that hospital I weighed fucking 115 at 5'9"--now THAT was skinny). And they said I was just "so young," I "have my whole life ahead of me!"
I know that dammit. And it's scary as fuck. Yeah, life is scary.
I purged like 8 times while I was there for just 4 days. Cuz I ate like a pig. Three meals a day with THREE snacks as well! Crazy fattening. But I couldn't help myself because I found it soo hard to starve at the time.
I was lucky to get out so soon, though. My last stay in 2011 I had to stay TWELVE days--and THEN I was transferred to a residential behavioral hospital (AKA the hellhole known as Brynn Marr, in Jacksonville, North Carolina). But enough about that.
So I got to go home, I got to keep listening to my music and texting/facebooking my friends. Everything went back to normal. No new therapist or psychiatrist--still seeing my same ones, and my same nutritionist as well.
I was pretty happy to be back home, ESPECIALLY when my friend whom I met in an eating disorder treatment facility moved back to North Carolina--around an hour's drive from where I live. Things were peachy. I got really close with her, I got back on track with school, I was eating "healthy".
Everything changed on November first. Truthfully, it had been starting to change, say, October 30th. My friend was not following her meal plan at all, she wasn't eating enough to keep the weight on. I was starting to get triggered, and I was slightly restricting my caloric/food intake as well.
Then Nov 1st, she told me that she had to go back to the treatment center. Her doctors and therapist, and the staff at the treatment center all agreed she needed to come back. She was almost back to her admission weight.
Everything kind of fell apart. I don't blame her at all! I just felt so hurt and alone when I heard the news. She hadn't been deliberately trying to lose weight. And yet she still needed to go back. I began starving myself again. Ultimately eating 500 (but probably less actually) calories a day. it's my way of fucking coping. Today she's being admitted. I am overwhelmed with the fact I won't be able to see her for a while, and I am overwhelmed with school. I do not have an overload of work--I just have French (which I need to study) and English (for which I have a research paper and presentation to get started on). Call me lazy, I'll admit it. I just DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING THIS SHIT.
My mood is in the toilet. I have only eaten several grapes today and it is 4:05. For dinner I plan on eating a slice of white bread, with an UBER thin slice of turkey. Less than 100 calories. (And yet I still want to eat even less, if not anything AT ALL.)
I don't know, I'm just tired of everything. I want my heart to fail, I want to die from this eating disorder. Of course, I'll probably end up back in treatment before that happens. But I'm fine with that too. As long as it helps me escape from the real world.
The real world is full of anxieties, depression, hopelessness, helplessness, and disappointment.
I'm too lazy to want to keep dealing with it.
I figure once I get skinny again, it will make everything better. In a negative way, but still better.
Just fuck everything.
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