Yesterday at my therapy appointment I was given an ultimatum: keep starving and get sent off to the state psychiatric hospital, or start eating again and stay on the road to recovery.
So I chose recovery of course! No way was I going to spend the rest of my life locked up in the legit mad house!! I can't believe my therapist was so ready to call the hospital on me. Good thing I decided to eat. I need to stay at home so I don't break my friends and family's hearts... I can't afford to ruin my future anymore. Plus, I need to stay home also so I'll be here when my friend gets out of treatment! I hope that will be soon, but she's having a really hard time... I feel like that's partly my fault because I told her how I was starving myself and she got really upset. I'm waiting for her next phone time so I can tell her everything. I hope I can make things right...
Today I had for breakfast: 2 pecan pancakes and chocolate soy milk
lunch: peanut caramel protein bar and turkey sandwich.
Snack will be next, around 3:00! I think I'll have some greek yogurt.

I'm trying not to overdo it with eating, because yesterday after that appointment I went a little overboard for lunch and dinner. So keying it down today. My stomach is really bloated by all of this food and I feel like I've gained at least 5 pounds... Ugh. But I'll keep eating, no worries. I really do feel better mentally and emotionally when I'm feeding myself. And I really have no reason to keep starving myself and lose weight. I have a support team and friends and family who care so much. I have been taking everything for granted and being really selfish by trying to kill myself via anorexia. I don't know what happened in my head for me to want that more than anything. I think part of the reason is that I have a fear of failure. Sometimes I feel like I'll get nowhere in life, that I won't ever learn how to drive, I won't be able to finish college, get a job, live on my own...
But that's only my disorder telling me this stuff. I have as much a chance as everyone else in being successful at life! I need to keep telling myself I CAN do this. I can do anything I set my mind to.
I should know, because I know that in the past when I set my mind to losing weight, that's exactly what I did. So now I can put my time and determination into recovery instead of relapse.