A lot has happened since that last post. Remember that friend I mentioned who was in treatment? We're in a relationship now! We talked on the phone while she was in treatment and she asked me if I wanted a relationship with her. I was kind of shy at first but said yes of course! I had already been having feelings for her before she found out. I was lucky she made the first move because if she hadn't I doubt I ever would have.
Well, she got out of that treatment center pretty quickly after that. She didn't want to be there. Came back home and we hung out quite a bit.
I really REALLY started to love her. At first I was reluctant, because I had never been in a relationship with ANYONE before. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be touched, be kissed, or anything. I never have felt comfortable with anyone physically. But now, I love just being close to her. Honestly I have always wanted someone to be there who could just hold me, comfort me... And as awkward as I am physically, she puts up with it. I miss everything about my girlfriend. I miss the nights where we'd lay in bed holding each other. I miss kissing her and holding her hand. I miss the smell of her perfume and her beautiful smile.
Miss, because she is back in another treatment center now. She couldn't keep on the weight and was having very bad health problems. She really has damaged her body so much from the eating disorder. I get so worried sometimes that I'll lose her. But she is safe now, in this other treatment center, I keep telling myself. I hope she can stay long enough there to set things right. She struggles with so much, so much more than the actual health problems. But I won't go into all the details; it's her business.
I've been going up and down like a yo-yo, meanwhile: restricting, binging, purging, cutting... you name it. I can't shake the eating disorder. I can't eat healthily or normally; what is normal? I just either eat too much or not enough. I don't know how to just have a healthy diet. On one hand I want to starve until I look deathly skinny. On the other hand, I want so badly to just be healthy. Have a healthy relationship with food, maintain a good weight. I am tired of going up and down, seeing my body get smaller, then bigger, then smaller, then bigger again. Because I can't stop restricting and binging! I feel so stuck in this stupid rut. I love food too much. I love it so much that when I do allow myself to eat I just can't stop. Then when I don't let myself eat, I tell myself how the act of eating is just so foreign: you put food in your mouth and your teeth mash it up then it goes down your throat... I mean sometimes eating sounds so weird to me. I know I sound weird saying that, but it's what I think.
But yeah, I am trying to recover from this eating disorder so I won't trigger my girlfriend anymore. I really can't restrict and lose weight while she's away in treatment trying to recover from the very act I am attempting. It's ridiculous. I have to stay strong for her. She loves me so much, and though I don't understand why, though I don't feel like I deserve to be loved, I love her too. She's the best thing that's happened to me and she gives me hope. I want her to come out of treatment this time healthy so I can spend the rest of my life with her. I don't want to be with anyone else. I don't want to kiss anyone else's lips. I don't want to be in anyone else's arms than hers.
I just hope I can kick this ED for her. Truthfully I am so tired of this roller coaster. I want it to fucking stop. I feel like shit when I restrict my calories. I feel like shit when I binge, and I feel like shit when I purge. Same for the cutting. I barely do it anymore but whenever I do it it doesn't satisfy me like it used to. It just pisses me off. Namely because I don't have a real razor blade to use. But that's beside the point! I need to quit. I owe it to all of my loved ones.
Tomorrow's Christmas Eve! I'm going to my grandparents' house to a family get together and we'll eat good food and open presents. I am actually excited. I really do love my family and am blessed to have them in my life. I have an enormous family and they are all so loving towards me. It's taken me so many years to be grateful for this! But at least I am grateful now.
Saturday I am going to visit my girlfriend at the treatment center. Going to bring her her Christmas present and card I made her. She said just today that Christmas means nothing to her anymore. So I have to make it mean something! I want to make her happy and give her hope that things will turn out alright. I have to be there for her as much as I can. That's all I want: to make her happy and make her feel loved.
On a last encouraging note, I just posted this on my tumblr today (My tumblr is mypallidreflection.tumblr.com if anyone actually reads this and would like to find my tumblr.) :
"Thinking back to my 14 to 16 year old self makes me want to cry. That
Katie was so different than the Katie I know today. That Katie believed
that no one really loved her, that she was nothing but a worthless sack
of shit. She spent all of her energy hating herself and hating
everyone else who wanted to help. She attempted suicide more times than
anyone should, she was hospitalized 6 times. She cut and cut and
CUT, leaving deep wounds and purple scars that took quite a bit of time
to turn white. She overdosed on pills over and over. She had no
respect for herself or her body. She starved herself and send nudes to
strangers. She recorded videos of her cutting and took pictures of
herself bleeding. She burned her entire right arm with a hair
straightener. She was so damn lost. She didn’t understand why she felt
so empty and miserable all the time. She repeatedly just wished she
could be dead to make all the pain stop.
I want to hug her so badly and tell her everything will end up
alright. Because the Katie I know now is in such a better place. She
still occasionally hurts herself but she is so strong now. She knows she
has many friends and family who love her to pieces. She has hope for
her future. Her depression and anxiety is under check. She still has
to fight daily to keep herself from self destructing. But the fight gets
easier. It won’t go away but it will get easier."
I hope it will get easier for everyone else too! We all can recover from any disorder, keep that in mind. I hope everyone has a very merry christmas. Enjoy the holidays with your families, or other loved ones if you don't spend the holidays with your families.
Best wishes,
Katie :)
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