2014

I'm going to try to start out this New Year well. I don't need to cut or purge or starve to make myself real anymore. I am alive and fully functioning. The depression isn't consuming my life anymore. I am no longer as crazy as I became at 14. It took 4 years for me to get back to this state, even though I am still not fully stable. But I am here and alive and hopeful. I have a hold of my life after so many years of not caring.
I wish the past didn't haunt me so much but I have to live with it. Truthfully, I am sad to see all my self harm and suicide attempts stay in the past. I liked the idea of having something wrong with me, having the threat of my life on the line. Of being so fucked up I was in and out of hospitals and treatment centers. I liked the idea of not having to live at home in the real world. I could just go and overdose, poison myself, or have a cutting episode and get sent back to the hospital. It was even worth it if I ended up in the emergency room again. I have lost count of how many times I have had to go to the emergency room, because honestly I have been there more times than I have been to the psych hospital.
Yeah, I am going to miss all of that, as fucked up as that sounds. I guess my insanity became my identity. Being cut up and scarred became my identity, just as how being skinny became my identity after that.
Now what is my identity? I'm not skeletal anymore. My scars have faded, the only ones very noticeable now are the old raised white ones, and the newer cuts and scratches created in 2013 which still are a bit purple.
I don't know who I am. To myself.
I know who I am to other people. I am a loving girlfriend, daughter, sister, friend. I am a healthy girl in recovery. I am not cured completely but I am definitely better.
So I guess that's who I really am: better. I hate to admit it, hate to have my psychotic identity stripped from me, but that's how it is.
I don't need to be sick anymore to get attention or prove my worth. Who wants to love a sick girl, who may be dead tomorrow, next week, or next month...? Why would anyone want to love someone like that? It HURTS.
So I have to stay strong now. Even if it sounds corny. Even if it pisses me off. Even if I don't know exactly who I am to myself anymore.
I just have to keep moving on. I hope the past will stop haunting me so much.
Happy belated new year.