Today I started to be even more conscientious of my food intake. I can feel my mindset switching back to restrictive thinking. I want so badly to restrict my calories. I ate a healthy amount of food today and it's killing me, knowing that. If it were up to me I know I wouldn't eat a thing. If I was living on my own I would go as long as my body could handle, eating as little as possible, until I became super bone-skinny, until I'd die. It's SO fucking stupid to want this. What would dying to become thin accomplish?
Still, I want it so bad it hurts. I internally freaked out over dinner because I wanted to eat no more carbs for the day. But I had to eat an entire half of a baked potato. All of it. It was humongous and so filling. Made me so uncomfortable; I feel like a huge whale. Even though my lunch probably consisted of more calories than my dinner, because I had dessert after my lunch.
I plan on reducing if not completely cutting out my snacks and desserts. I just can't anymore. I can't continue to let myself eat so unhealthily. I won't restrict; I can't do that or I'd never hear the end of it from my family. It upsets them 1000 times more than it does me. Hearing all their shit always makes me give in and binge. I wish they would leave me alone. They make it so fucking hard to live with this ED. I hate living at home because my family is always on my back so I can't cut, I can't starve, I can't purge. All I can do is eat eat EAT and so I do it. And stay so damn fat.
It's killing me, looking like this. I want to change it so badly. Every time I look in the mirror I despise what I see. I hate myself so much. No one could comprehend how much I hate my body and I how much I hate my eating habits. I need to stop eating so much. I need to never eat desserts ever again. I need to cut out as much carbs as I can in my diet. I need to cut out everything, honestly. But I won't. Only because of the shit I get from everyone when I restrict. It's not worth it.
I just keep sitting here waiting for the day I can get out from under my family's noses. So then I can lose as much weight as I can.
Sorry to be so depressive tonight; I know I said for the new year's I would quit with these harmful behaviors. But I am not going to go and restrict majorly. I'm only going to cut out some things.
Even if I keep eating healthy, the thoughts will never go away. I just want to be thin again. Will I ever get my old body back?