I AM SO DONE WITH THIS BLOG.
I go back and forth with pro recovery then almost relapse. SICK of it. Fuck this shit.
I hope to God this time that my recovery is real. I'm tired of falling back into restricting, purging, and cutting.
Goodbye blog. I won't delete you but I quit writing in you.
Peace

I've been restricting a lot since that last entry. I know I should quit. I want to quit, but I can already tell I'm shrinking. That makes it hard for me to really want to quit and eat normally again.
But tomorrow I'm going to *try* to eat normally and actually enjoy what I eat. I'm tired of hating myself for every bite that goes into my mouth.
Why should I stick with this eating disorder? It accomplishes nothing. It pushes away the people I love, affects my performance in college, and makes me feel like shit, physically and mentally. I know I want to be thin but it should NOT be my top priority. That's stupid. I know REALLY that size and weight don't matter. They don't affect how beautiful and good of a person I am. Still...I can't really agree with that wholeheartedly. I know my loved ones could care less about my size. And yet *I* care. I wish I didn't, I really wish.
I don't know how to change my mindset. YES, I am sick and tired of this stupid disorder. But how can I let go of it on my own at home? I am afraid I might need treatment again... I just don't think I'm strong enough to recover on my own.

Today I started to be even more conscientious of my food intake. I can feel my mindset switching back to restrictive thinking. I want so badly to restrict my calories. I ate a healthy amount of food today and it's killing me, knowing that. If it were up to me I know I wouldn't eat a thing. If I was living on my own I would go as long as my body could handle, eating as little as possible, until I became super bone-skinny, until I'd die. It's SO fucking stupid to want this. What would dying to become thin accomplish?
Still, I want it so bad it hurts. I internally freaked out over dinner because I wanted to eat no more carbs for the day. But I had to eat an entire half of a baked potato. All of it. It was humongous and so filling. Made me so uncomfortable; I feel like a huge whale. Even though my lunch probably consisted of more calories than my dinner, because I had dessert after my lunch.
I plan on reducing if not completely cutting out my snacks and desserts. I just can't anymore. I can't continue to let myself eat so unhealthily. I won't restrict; I can't do that or I'd never hear the end of it from my family. It upsets them 1000 times more than it does me. Hearing all their shit always makes me give in and binge. I wish they would leave me alone. They make it so fucking hard to live with this ED. I hate living at home because my family is always on my back so I can't cut, I can't starve, I can't purge. All I can do is eat eat EAT and so I do it. And stay so damn fat.
It's killing me, looking like this. I want to change it so badly. Every time I look in the mirror I despise what I see. I hate myself so much. No one could comprehend how much I hate my body and I how much I hate my eating habits. I need to stop eating so much. I need to never eat desserts ever again. I need to cut out as much carbs as I can in my diet. I need to cut out everything, honestly. But I won't. Only because of the shit I get from everyone when I restrict. It's not worth it.
I just keep sitting here waiting for the day I can get out from under my family's noses. So then I can lose as much weight as I can.
Sorry to be so depressive tonight; I know I said for the new year's I would quit with these harmful behaviors. But I am not going to go and restrict majorly. I'm only going to cut out some things.
Even if I keep eating healthy, the thoughts will never go away. I just want to be thin again. Will I ever get my old body back?

2014

I'm going to try to start out this New Year well. I don't need to cut or purge or starve to make myself real anymore. I am alive and fully functioning. The depression isn't consuming my life anymore. I am no longer as crazy as I became at 14. It took 4 years for me to get back to this state, even though I am still not fully stable. But I am here and alive and hopeful. I have a hold of my life after so many years of not caring.
I wish the past didn't haunt me so much but I have to live with it. Truthfully, I am sad to see all my self harm and suicide attempts stay in the past. I liked the idea of having something wrong with me, having the threat of my life on the line. Of being so fucked up I was in and out of hospitals and treatment centers. I liked the idea of not having to live at home in the real world. I could just go and overdose, poison myself, or have a cutting episode and get sent back to the hospital. It was even worth it if I ended up in the emergency room again. I have lost count of how many times I have had to go to the emergency room, because honestly I have been there more times than I have been to the psych hospital.
Yeah, I am going to miss all of that, as fucked up as that sounds. I guess my insanity became my identity. Being cut up and scarred became my identity, just as how being skinny became my identity after that.
Now what is my identity? I'm not skeletal anymore. My scars have faded, the only ones very noticeable now are the old raised white ones, and the newer cuts and scratches created in 2013 which still are a bit purple.
I don't know who I am. To myself.
I know who I am to other people. I am a loving girlfriend, daughter, sister, friend. I am a healthy girl in recovery. I am not cured completely but I am definitely better.
So I guess that's who I really am: better. I hate to admit it, hate to have my psychotic identity stripped from me, but that's how it is.
I don't need to be sick anymore to get attention or prove my worth. Who wants to love a sick girl, who may be dead tomorrow, next week, or next month...? Why would anyone want to love someone like that? It HURTS.
So I have to stay strong now. Even if it sounds corny. Even if it pisses me off. Even if I don't know exactly who I am to myself anymore.
I just have to keep moving on. I hope the past will stop haunting me so much.
Happy belated new year.

A hard day

I ended up purging twice today. I always end up doing it at family/social gatherings. Because I always indulge myself with SO much food. I have no self control. I wish I could be a clean and tidy anorexic but I'm messy; I eat whatever is in front of me and when I do end up purging it all comes up, splashing violently into the toilet while my eyes bulge out and water to the point it hurts to even keep them open. My nose runs nonstop and even bleeds sometimes. And the puke gets on my face and hands because I have to do it so fast so that no one can walk in on me. No time to wipe my face and hands while in the process.
Sorry for these gross and disgusting details, I KNOW that purging is a terrible behavior to use. But I don't struggle with only anorexia or with only bulimia. I have a mix of both, along with some periods of attempting to eat healthily. But they never last. I'm always going back and forth between purging and restricting, sometimes even binging, and then eating "normally." It never fucking ends! EDNOS is pure torture. I can't begin to explain how frustrating it is to go back and forth from one behavior to another, having periods of relapse, then periods of recovery. I just want it all to stop. I want to have a normal relationship with food but I don't know how. I always obsess over it; it's all I can think about. I like to eat when I'm bored or upset. Not only when I'm hungry. In fact, feeling hunger is never what makes me want to eat. I can deal with the growling stomach and chest pains. It's just the empty void that is created when I cut out food from my life, it's that that makes me want to binge binge BINGE. I sometimes feel as if I view food as the fucking holy grail. It's terrible, I know. But hey, it happens after years of being underweight and malnourished. I just can't purely starve myself anymore. I can't handle it. I always break down and eat my ass off. I feel like I don't even HAVE an eating disorder anymore. I am too fat now to even be looked at and called anorexic, like how I used to be. I miss it so much. I miss feeling semi-comfortable in my own skin. I miss actually believing I WAS skinny (though I was never skinny enough in my opinion).
I don't know how to get over it. I don't know how to have a normal relationship with food, I don't know how I can beat EDNOS. It seems like an impossible feat.
I know I should try my best to eat healthy for my girlfriend. I have to be here to help her and support her and love her. But if I keep up all these behaviors I really just don't want to be here anymore. I am getting suicidal thoughts more often because I get so frustrated with my body. I feel huger than ever and it is really just driving me insane! I can't stand living in my body. I feel like the most hideous girl on earth. I have terrible acne on my face, which ironically never got this bad until AFTER I began my weight restoration. I can't stand my face, now, at all. It used to look sunken in. Now it is chubby and makes me look disgusting. I want to cut it up because it disgusts me so much.
Ugh, I'm just going to stop there, now. I've had enough ranting for one night. I don't even know if writing about this even helps me; it just seems now that it gets me even more worked up. Yet I still journal on a daily basis and keep returning to this blog.
I don't understand why, but whatever.

I really should update my blog more often.

A lot has happened since that last post. Remember that friend I mentioned who was in treatment? We're in a relationship now! We talked on the phone while she was in treatment and she asked me if I wanted a relationship with her. I was kind of shy at first but said yes of course! I had already been having feelings for her before she found out. I was lucky she made the first move because if she hadn't I doubt I ever would have.
Well, she got out of that treatment center pretty quickly after that. She didn't want to be there. Came back home and we hung out quite a bit.
I really REALLY started to love her. At first I was reluctant, because I had never been in a relationship with ANYONE before. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be touched, be kissed, or anything. I never have felt comfortable with anyone physically. But now, I love just being close to her. Honestly I have always wanted someone to be there who could just hold me, comfort me... And as awkward as I am physically, she puts up with it. I miss everything about my girlfriend. I miss the nights where we'd lay in bed holding each other. I miss kissing her and holding her hand. I miss the smell of her perfume and her beautiful smile.
Miss, because she is back in another treatment center now. She couldn't keep on the weight and was having very bad health problems. She really has damaged her body so much from the eating disorder. I get so worried sometimes that I'll lose her. But she is safe now, in this other treatment center, I keep telling myself. I hope she can stay long enough there to set things right. She struggles with so much, so much more than the actual health problems. But I won't go into all the details; it's her business.
I've been going up and down like a yo-yo, meanwhile: restricting, binging, purging, cutting... you name it. I can't shake the eating disorder. I can't eat healthily or normally; what is normal? I just either eat too much or not enough. I don't know how to just have a healthy diet. On one hand I want to starve until I look deathly skinny. On the other hand, I want so badly to just be healthy. Have a healthy relationship with food, maintain a good weight. I am tired of going up and down, seeing my body get smaller, then bigger, then smaller, then bigger again. Because I can't stop restricting and binging! I feel so stuck in this stupid rut. I love food too much. I love it so much that when I do allow myself to eat I just can't stop. Then when I don't let myself eat, I tell myself how the act of eating is just so foreign: you put food in your mouth and your teeth mash it up then it goes down your throat... I mean sometimes eating sounds so weird to me. I know I sound weird saying that, but it's what I think.
But yeah, I am trying to recover from this eating disorder so I won't trigger my girlfriend anymore. I really can't restrict and lose weight while she's away in treatment trying to recover from the very act I am attempting. It's ridiculous. I have to stay strong for her. She loves me so much, and though I don't understand why, though I don't feel like I deserve to be loved, I love her too. She's the best thing that's happened to me and she gives me hope. I want her to come out of treatment this time healthy so I can spend the rest of my life with her. I don't want to be with anyone else. I don't want to kiss anyone else's lips. I don't want to be in anyone else's arms than hers.
I just hope I can kick this ED for her. Truthfully I am so tired of this roller coaster. I want it to fucking stop. I feel like shit when I restrict my calories. I feel like shit when I binge, and I feel like shit when I purge. Same for the cutting. I barely do it anymore but whenever I do it it doesn't satisfy me like it used to. It just pisses me off. Namely because I don't have a real razor blade to use. But that's beside the point! I need to quit. I owe it to all of my loved ones.
Tomorrow's Christmas Eve! I'm going to my grandparents' house to a family get together and we'll eat good food and open presents. I am actually excited. I really do love my family and am blessed to have them in my life. I have an enormous family and they are all so loving towards me. It's taken me so many years to be grateful for this! But at least I am grateful now.
Saturday I am going to visit my girlfriend at the treatment center. Going to bring her her Christmas present and card I made her. She said just today that Christmas means nothing to her anymore. So I have to make it mean something! I want to make her happy and give her hope that things will turn out alright. I have to be there for her as much as I can. That's all I want: to make her happy and make her feel loved.
On a last encouraging note, I just posted this on my tumblr today (My tumblr is mypallidreflection.tumblr.com if anyone actually reads this and would like to find my tumblr.) :
"Thinking back to my 14 to 16 year old self makes me want to cry. That Katie was so different than the Katie I know today. That Katie believed that no one really loved her, that she was nothing but a worthless sack of shit. She spent all of her energy hating herself and hating everyone else who wanted to help. She attempted suicide more times than anyone should, she was hospitalized 6 times. She cut and cut and CUT, leaving deep wounds and purple scars that took quite a bit of time to turn white. She overdosed on pills over and over. She had no respect for herself or her body. She starved herself and send nudes to strangers. She recorded videos of her cutting and took pictures of herself bleeding. She burned her entire right arm with a hair straightener. She was so damn lost. She didn’t understand why she felt so empty and miserable all the time. She repeatedly just wished she could be dead to make all the pain stop.
I want to hug her so badly and tell her everything will end up alright. Because the Katie I know now is in such a better place. She still occasionally hurts herself but she is so strong now. She knows she has many friends and family who love her to pieces. She has hope for her future. Her depression and anxiety is under check. She still has to fight daily to keep herself from self destructing. But the fight gets easier. It won’t go away but it will get easier."
I hope it will get easier for everyone else too! We all can recover from any disorder, keep that in mind. I hope everyone has a very merry christmas. Enjoy the holidays with your families, or other loved ones if you don't spend the holidays with your families.
Best wishes,
Katie :)

Yesterday at my therapy appointment I was given an ultimatum: keep starving and get sent off to the state psychiatric hospital, or start eating again and stay on the road to recovery.
So I chose recovery of course! No way was I going to spend the rest of my life locked up in the legit mad house!! I can't believe my therapist was so ready to call the hospital on me. Good thing I decided to eat. I need to stay at home so I don't break my friends and family's hearts... I can't afford to ruin my future anymore. Plus, I need to stay home also so I'll be here when my friend gets out of treatment! I hope that will be soon, but she's having a really hard time... I feel like that's partly my fault because I told her how I was starving myself and she got really upset. I'm waiting for her next phone time so I can tell her everything. I hope I can make things right...
Today I had for breakfast: 2 pecan pancakes and chocolate soy milk
lunch: peanut caramel protein bar and turkey sandwich.
Snack will be next, around 3:00! I think I'll have some greek yogurt.

I'm trying not to overdo it with eating, because yesterday after that appointment I went a little overboard for lunch and dinner. So keying it down today. My stomach is really bloated by all of this food and I feel like I've gained at least 5 pounds... Ugh. But I'll keep eating, no worries. I really do feel better mentally and emotionally when I'm feeding myself. And I really have no reason to keep starving myself and lose weight. I have a support team and friends and family who care so much. I have been taking everything for granted and being really selfish by trying to kill myself via anorexia. I don't know what happened in my head for me to want that more than anything. I think part of the reason is that I have a fear of failure. Sometimes I feel like I'll get nowhere in life, that I won't ever learn how to drive, I won't be able to finish college, get a job, live on my own...
But that's only my disorder telling me this stuff. I have as much a chance as everyone else in being successful at life! I need to keep telling myself I CAN do this. I can do anything I set my mind to.
I should know, because I know that in the past when I set my mind to losing weight, that's exactly what I did. So now I can put my time and determination into recovery instead of relapse.