Hate myself.

Will I EVER get fucking skinny again? I have to keep reminding myself that it's only been a week of pure restricting, so far, that it takes time to lose 20 pounds, just like it did last year... It took a month at least till I lost those 20 pounds.
FUCK. I just want it to happen already. I hate not being able to fit into any jeans lower than a 4 or a 5. I am so motherfucking fat I want to cut all the fat off my arms, stomach, ass, thighs, and legs. There's fat EVERYWHERE. I kinda want to cry because that's just how hopeless I feel about ever losing weight. Could it be that 500 or less calories a day isn't working this time? I mean, it HAS to be. I DO have a fast metabolism cuz usually when I restrict even under 1000 calories, I seem to lose weight. I think I'm just afraid I'm not using weight is only because I don't have access to a scale to see if I am or not. UGH. I'll have to give my grandma a visit tomorrow and weigh myself.
Fuck me.

Ughhh

I'm fucking pissed off, the scale is hidden in a new spot, now. I'll have to wait till I get to go to my grandmother's house sometime so I can weigh myself then. I am pissed off at everything today. I feel like I'm getting stuck and can't lose any weight at the moment. I hope it's just in my head, but I'll find out within the next couple of days, probably, whether I've been losing weight or not.
Today I had less than half a 90 calorie carton of yogurt. For lunch, I went out to eat with a friend and ended up getting a chicken salad. There was way more chicken on the bowl than salad. I tried not to eat too much. Had a little less than half of it, I think. Not sure. I did a lot of picking around and stuff. I feel like I had way too much chicken, though. Hopefully that's just me. My stomach told me different.
For dinner, I had 60 calorie bread slice with maybe 30 to 40 calories worth of raspberry jam. I also had some grapes with it. But I usually don't count fruit's calories. Impossible to gain weight off of fruit. At least, it is for me...
Anyhoo, today was a sucky day. When I went out with my friend for lunch, it was for her "graduation party" and her sister, boyfriend, and friends came too. I didn't much get warmed up to any of them. I suck at meeting new people. I felt so unwelcome. Good news though we went to Hot Topic and I got a couple of pretty cool bracelets at least... There are some clothes there I think are sooo cute. Like with the whole "gothic lolita" touch... I didn't bother to get this really cute skirt though (I really wanted it) because I don't have any tops that match the same style. I need to change my entire wardrobe! All I wear at home is boring teeshirts and sweatpants. I have a couple of outfits I reserve for when I go out, since I don't go out that often. I basically live in sweatpants because wearing jeans makes me feel enormous. At least until I get down to a size 0 again...
Still pissed about the scale business. Ugh. I hate my family sometimes.

Today in a nutshell

Start out feeling great, wearing a spaghetti strap shirt because I'm obsessed with it. I've had it for over 3 years and I can still fit into it. It shows what little bones you can see right now because it's skin tight. It makes me feel thin even though I'm not. The more I look at myself the bigger I see myself get. I know, I had 410 calories today, and I should be losing weight, right? I probably am losing more weight but am scared to weigh myself because I don't want to know if I've actually gained weight. Decided to start weighing myself once a week because then maybe it'll feel like I'm losing weight faster. I watch thinspo on youtube, listen to thinspo songs, read Wasted by Marya Hornbacher, sometimes to exercises... I am very motivated. I know I'm making progress in my logical state of mind but my distorted part of my mind keeps telling me I'm as fat as ever and need to lose at least 10 more pounds before I can be skinny again. I know it won't be long till I do lose that much weight as long as I keep this diet up. I know I can do it. I just wish I could look in the mirror, though and not see so much fat.
I feel very weak and tired, light headed a little bit. I'm not sure if I can focus or not. I'm too tired to bother with reading. I only read one short chapter today. The only book I want to be reading is Wasted though, but I have to read it in secret at night, in my room.
My nutritionist called my mom yesterday and filled her head with lies. She thinks I won't be able to function properly in college. I just enrolled, need to finish the process, but once I do, I'll be going to a community college. But now even my mom thinks I won't be able to take the test to get it, let alone be able to function in my classes. It's bullshit. I feel like I can. It takes a whiiiiiile for me to get that sick. Sometimes I doubt I even can get sick. I feel superhuman. Like nothing can kill me. I've attempted suicide 6 legit times, and have lost over 20 pounds last year, but all those times I never seemed to be close to death. I used to wonder at one point if I even can die.
I know I want to get sick, then it will mean I'm finally skinny. I just don't know if I CAN get sick. I try my damned hardest. I hope it will work. I do want to starve to death. Why not, you know? Then I would accomplish being ultimately thin and everyone will know me as the best anorexic ever. I don't wanna be EDNOS. I want to be diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. I mean, I am 25 pounds underweight for my height now, according to the charts. I just don't look it, in my opinion. I hope that's just my distorted brain, and everyone else thinks I'm thin. Hopefully one day I CAN look in the mirror and see only skin and bones.<3

OMG guyz.

I weigh 125 now!! W00t. It's really easy like this for me to lose weight, once I'm determined. God, I'm so excited. EVERY fucking argument I get in over not eating/restricting is SO worth this!! I CAN be skinny again! Yay c:

Really sucky day.

Today I ate 8 piece grilled chicken nuggets. For dinner I had less than half of a cheesy chicken quesadilla, but purged some of that. I'm not sure if I got all of it out. I gave up and went to wash my hands and face, but my mom walked in on me cleaning up so it was pretty obvious she would know if I lied so I told her the truth, that I purged. I did in the trashcan. Had to get the back filled with puke out and threw it in another, larger trashcan. I was so ashamed and guilty about purging, only because my parents found out. I had a little talk with my mom which consisted of crying and hugs. I remember bits and pieces of what she said, but my memory sucks. I couldn't really focus on what she was saying some of the time, I was distraught. I really hate myself, and I hate this ED. But I think I hate my fatass body even more. I am scared to eat, scared to maintain this weight, and so so SCARED of gaining even more weight. The only route I can take is to lose weight. I am so fucked, I know. Only thing I can see happening is me getting sick again and inevitably being sent back to treatment. I really don't want to go, know I shouldn't go, but if it happens it happens. I feel so shitty about doing this to my family but I just can't give it up. I really can't. I don't know how to live without this ED anymore.

Tomorrow I see my psychiatrist, who really hates me. She always is so rude when I talk to her, saying I shouldn't be reading this or that, it's not helping me, I need to get my act together and stop holding my parents hostage, blah blah blah. I know everything's my fault, why does she have to keep rubbing it in?

No doubt either she'll be asking me about my eating once she weighs me, or my mom will bring it up. I'm so not looking forward to it. I hate all the attention, it makes me feel like an undeserving attention whore. I'm tired of focusing all on this ED but I can't help it, it's all I can think about. I am driving myself fucking insane. 

After a day...

Yesterday I only ate rice & beans, for dinner. Today, I had one salad with chicken and fruit on it, and another tiny salad with a touch of cheese and vinaigrette. That was still progress, right? Went to see my nutritionist today, which ended badly. Not only did I argue with my mom on the way there, but I kinda sorta argued with my nutritionist as well. I just want to be sick again. It's my comfort zone. Is that TOO MUCH to fucking ask? I asked my mom why she and the rest of my family couldn't just stop caring, like my sister did about me? She hates me. It would be a hell of a lot easier if the rest of my family did, too. It would hurt, yeah, but it would be so much easier and I wouldn't feel guilty all the time. I need to get out of this house and escape my family so bad. Then I can lose as much weight as I want to. No one fucking understands me when I say I don't ever want to be fat again. I want to be sick, and if it kills me this time, then okay. I don't mind. I would rather be dead than sick. If I died, then at least maybe it would mean I'm good at SOMETHING. Fuck people, man. I wish everyone would just leave me alone. I am so pissed at everyone right now. I want to go off to a university and never see my family again. But alas, I never took the SAT or ACT so I must go to a community college near my home. My nutritionist today wouldn't stop saying how I wouldn't be able to focus in college if I was restricting. I know that will be true if I get sick enough this time, but I don't CARE! I just want to get away from everyone. I want to lose weight until I disappear. I am sick of all this attention. I feel like such an attention whore right now. I would love to fade out, off the face of the earth, to be honest.

I'm back.

I got out of the treatment center right before Christmas. I left on a sour note, I had been put on Lithium among other meds which were really fucking with my head. So because of that (I think) I had had a plan to kill myself the day I left treatment. (Alas the blade was not very sharp.) But anyway, I don't remember at all why I wanted to kill myself all through December, January, and February. I just remember being ridiculously depressed and shredding my arms. The first day I went back to school in 2013 I went straight to the bathroom and cut the fuck out of my right arm. Then when I left I went to the grocery store and stole a razor head, so I could break the razors out and use them. That night I cut my left arm and my neck. The next day I put on a scarf in the morning and took about 10 days worth of my Lithium, intending on going to school, taking them, and going to the grocery store down the road to buy some more pills and OD. I never got the chance. When my mom saw I was wearing a scarf she knew something was up. I didn't go to school after that. I almost was put in the psych ward when I told her my plans, but I manipulated her to not put me in there. After that, I was homeschooled for the rest of the year. Some time in February or March I broke up with my online boyfriend and then took 10 Lithium. I spent the next day in the ER because everyone freaked out and thought I would have to go through Dialysis. Hello people, it was only 10, though I did throw up two times. But yes, only 10, and it wasn't a suicide attempt. I just wanted to fuck myself up. The only reason I didn't get put in the psych ward was because it WASN'T a suicide attempt. Escaped yet again from treatment. Then later in March, my poor kitty died of kidney failure. It was the easter lilies my parents brought home from church. I should have known what would be poisonous to her, but we didn't know until it was too late. I really wanted to either die right then, or escape my lonely house to go to the hospital, but I did neither. I stuck it out. Didn't want to be in the hospital for my dad's birthday. I'd already done enough damage to my parents. After I had my incident with the Lithium, my psychiatrist took me off of it, since it wasn't helping my mood. But mainly because she didn't want me to OD on them, again.
After my kitty died, I began to relapse with my eating disorder. I didn't feel the need to eat. I wasn't hungry. I promised myself I wouldn't cut after my kitty died, so instead I restricted. That went on for a while until I finally gave in once I got my hunger back. So then for a loooong month I ate "normally". Or binged. I don't know the difference between the two. After that month, I decided to start restricting again. It's been on and off. I get fed up with myself and I restrict; I give in to my hunger and boredom, I binge. Now, I am restricting again, for good. I need to prove to myself that I'm still anorexic.
I graduated high school at the end of May. I got to celebrate that along with my birthday. It is AMAZING to be out of school. It has been a long road of school, frustration, hospitalizations, and school again. Now I just have to get into college. I am planning on going to a community college, seeing as I never took the SAT or the ACT. I never wanted to, anyway. But my plan is to go to community college, and then transfer to a university so I can major in writing/english. That is my dream. And I'm hoping once I go off to college I can get away with not eating, maybe start up again on purging, too. I am in dire need of losing weight; this is ridiculous! I wear a size 5 now, in jeans, whereas before I was a 0.
I went into treatment last fall at 117, height 5'10", now I don't know how much I weigh but I'd say 140 at the least. I fucking hate my fat ass body. Some people suggest that I might weigh less than that, that I am overestimating like always. But it feels like that is how much I weigh, now. I would like to know for sure how much I weigh, but then again, if I knew I would probably beat myself bloody. I have never hated my body this much. I cannot wait to be skinny, again. More so than ever before. I won't give up this time, and I won't go back to treatment. I would rather die than be fat.
I plan on writing in here more now, when I get the chance. Just something else to occupy myself with, I guess.