After a day...

Yesterday I only ate rice & beans, for dinner. Today, I had one salad with chicken and fruit on it, and another tiny salad with a touch of cheese and vinaigrette. That was still progress, right? Went to see my nutritionist today, which ended badly. Not only did I argue with my mom on the way there, but I kinda sorta argued with my nutritionist as well. I just want to be sick again. It's my comfort zone. Is that TOO MUCH to fucking ask? I asked my mom why she and the rest of my family couldn't just stop caring, like my sister did about me? She hates me. It would be a hell of a lot easier if the rest of my family did, too. It would hurt, yeah, but it would be so much easier and I wouldn't feel guilty all the time. I need to get out of this house and escape my family so bad. Then I can lose as much weight as I want to. No one fucking understands me when I say I don't ever want to be fat again. I want to be sick, and if it kills me this time, then okay. I don't mind. I would rather be dead than sick. If I died, then at least maybe it would mean I'm good at SOMETHING. Fuck people, man. I wish everyone would just leave me alone. I am so pissed at everyone right now. I want to go off to a university and never see my family again. But alas, I never took the SAT or ACT so I must go to a community college near my home. My nutritionist today wouldn't stop saying how I wouldn't be able to focus in college if I was restricting. I know that will be true if I get sick enough this time, but I don't CARE! I just want to get away from everyone. I want to lose weight until I disappear. I am sick of all this attention. I feel like such an attention whore right now. I would love to fade out, off the face of the earth, to be honest.