Really sucky day.

Today I ate 8 piece grilled chicken nuggets. For dinner I had less than half of a cheesy chicken quesadilla, but purged some of that. I'm not sure if I got all of it out. I gave up and went to wash my hands and face, but my mom walked in on me cleaning up so it was pretty obvious she would know if I lied so I told her the truth, that I purged. I did in the trashcan. Had to get the back filled with puke out and threw it in another, larger trashcan. I was so ashamed and guilty about purging, only because my parents found out. I had a little talk with my mom which consisted of crying and hugs. I remember bits and pieces of what she said, but my memory sucks. I couldn't really focus on what she was saying some of the time, I was distraught. I really hate myself, and I hate this ED. But I think I hate my fatass body even more. I am scared to eat, scared to maintain this weight, and so so SCARED of gaining even more weight. The only route I can take is to lose weight. I am so fucked, I know. Only thing I can see happening is me getting sick again and inevitably being sent back to treatment. I really don't want to go, know I shouldn't go, but if it happens it happens. I feel so shitty about doing this to my family but I just can't give it up. I really can't. I don't know how to live without this ED anymore.

Tomorrow I see my psychiatrist, who really hates me. She always is so rude when I talk to her, saying I shouldn't be reading this or that, it's not helping me, I need to get my act together and stop holding my parents hostage, blah blah blah. I know everything's my fault, why does she have to keep rubbing it in?

No doubt either she'll be asking me about my eating once she weighs me, or my mom will bring it up. I'm so not looking forward to it. I hate all the attention, it makes me feel like an undeserving attention whore. I'm tired of focusing all on this ED but I can't help it, it's all I can think about. I am driving myself fucking insane.