Hate myself.

Will I EVER get fucking skinny again? I have to keep reminding myself that it's only been a week of pure restricting, so far, that it takes time to lose 20 pounds, just like it did last year... It took a month at least till I lost those 20 pounds.
FUCK. I just want it to happen already. I hate not being able to fit into any jeans lower than a 4 or a 5. I am so motherfucking fat I want to cut all the fat off my arms, stomach, ass, thighs, and legs. There's fat EVERYWHERE. I kinda want to cry because that's just how hopeless I feel about ever losing weight. Could it be that 500 or less calories a day isn't working this time? I mean, it HAS to be. I DO have a fast metabolism cuz usually when I restrict even under 1000 calories, I seem to lose weight. I think I'm just afraid I'm not using weight is only because I don't have access to a scale to see if I am or not. UGH. I'll have to give my grandma a visit tomorrow and weigh myself.
Fuck me.