Today in a nutshell

Start out feeling great, wearing a spaghetti strap shirt because I'm obsessed with it. I've had it for over 3 years and I can still fit into it. It shows what little bones you can see right now because it's skin tight. It makes me feel thin even though I'm not. The more I look at myself the bigger I see myself get. I know, I had 410 calories today, and I should be losing weight, right? I probably am losing more weight but am scared to weigh myself because I don't want to know if I've actually gained weight. Decided to start weighing myself once a week because then maybe it'll feel like I'm losing weight faster. I watch thinspo on youtube, listen to thinspo songs, read Wasted by Marya Hornbacher, sometimes to exercises... I am very motivated. I know I'm making progress in my logical state of mind but my distorted part of my mind keeps telling me I'm as fat as ever and need to lose at least 10 more pounds before I can be skinny again. I know it won't be long till I do lose that much weight as long as I keep this diet up. I know I can do it. I just wish I could look in the mirror, though and not see so much fat.
I feel very weak and tired, light headed a little bit. I'm not sure if I can focus or not. I'm too tired to bother with reading. I only read one short chapter today. The only book I want to be reading is Wasted though, but I have to read it in secret at night, in my room.
My nutritionist called my mom yesterday and filled her head with lies. She thinks I won't be able to function properly in college. I just enrolled, need to finish the process, but once I do, I'll be going to a community college. But now even my mom thinks I won't be able to take the test to get it, let alone be able to function in my classes. It's bullshit. I feel like I can. It takes a whiiiiiile for me to get that sick. Sometimes I doubt I even can get sick. I feel superhuman. Like nothing can kill me. I've attempted suicide 6 legit times, and have lost over 20 pounds last year, but all those times I never seemed to be close to death. I used to wonder at one point if I even can die.
I know I want to get sick, then it will mean I'm finally skinny. I just don't know if I CAN get sick. I try my damned hardest. I hope it will work. I do want to starve to death. Why not, you know? Then I would accomplish being ultimately thin and everyone will know me as the best anorexic ever. I don't wanna be EDNOS. I want to be diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. I mean, I am 25 pounds underweight for my height now, according to the charts. I just don't look it, in my opinion. I hope that's just my distorted brain, and everyone else thinks I'm thin. Hopefully one day I CAN look in the mirror and see only skin and bones.<3