Ugh...

I can`t stand feeling full. Makes me HAVE to purge. Feeling full is the worst *physical* feeling EVER.
I am so goddamn fucking FAT..

Well..

So, keeping you up to date, I am now seeing a nutritionist, who gave me a mealplan, so I get all the right portions of the right food groups & eat healthy 'maintaining my weight'. I know, I need to lose weight cuz I`m such a fat ass, but I`m not able to purge atm. I weigh 120. Ew. Anyway, the upside of this mealplan is that I finally get full so I`m not bingeing anymore, & I don`t crave sweets all the time. So I`m probably not gonna gain any more weight, thank the nonexistent god.

Haven`t been on here in a while.

Pretty much cuz I fail at being ana & mia. Sure, I lost 10 pounds in one week in the month of...August I think? But yah, after that, I started eating again cuz I`m a stupid loser that loves food. I`m a fatass. Then after that I was throwing up my meals, till I quit doing THAT, too, cuz I need to have the energy to run cross country.  But once cross country season ends, I`m going to work on losing 20+ pounds. I am HUGE. Ugh..
So today I`ve been drinking straight up rubbing alcohol. Tastes nasty as hell that I could cry. I guess you could call this my fifth attempt at suicide. Maybe I`ll die, maybe I`ll throw up blood, or some shit lmao. I don`t care.
I just want to be dead. I`m sick of all this shit. I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate my eating disorder always telling me I`m too fat to be anorexic. Or bulemic. I just want to DIE....

Mia<|3

Have been trying to throw up my meals but sometimes it just doesn't work. And now i'm bingeing. Fuck me. xD
Why do i love food so much. It rules my life. I just dunno anymore...

So

Been back on my diet for 7 days now, back at 110. Goddammit i wannaeat. I won't though...
I wish i was normal & didn't careabout getting fat...v_v
Umm...well i got back from the beach today so finally i'm back home for good...i just wanna focus on losing 10 more pounds...

Hdjslkdbak

I WANT TO FUCKING CUT!!! Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck! *Banqs Head Aqainst The Wall*
i Found Somethinq To Do It With, Gonna Cut As Deep As I Can When I Go To Bed. Fuck My Life. Just FML...

:D

Today = first time my purging FINALLY worked. Hello bulimia. <3 god don't let me get fat.

New Blog

Made a new blog where i will write all my diary entries in lol. Of course no one will care or bother to read it cuz they already don't read this blog. I'm just doin' all this stuff for me. Anyway this is the link to it: http://absolutelynothinq.blogspot.com

So I've Been Thinking...

Not that anyone cares but i'm writing in a diary currently, & i've been thinking when i fill up the whole book i'll type it up on a seperate blog..um idk why i guess i want people to read it. I really don't care lol. I just like having blogs online... So yah, when i fill up the book [which won't be long] i'ma Make a new blog & post everything just for the hell of it! Honest to [the unreal] god confessions.
K well, update, i've been eating a ton & getting bigger ugh, but been purging a bit too. I made myself throw up today after eating a brownie & a ton of candy...i felt horrible. :(

Just For Fun; An Exercise Game :D

So you type ONE word. Every letter stands for a certain amount of a specific exercise. When i am done doing all the exercises in the word i will post that i did & you give me more words. ;]
Here's the key:
A- 10 Knee Hiqhs.
B- 10 Crunches
C- 5 Squats
D- 15 Arm Circles
E- 20 Jumpinq Jacks
F- 20 Mountain Climbers
G- 14 Crunches
H- 15 Jumpinq Jacks
I- 6 Pushups
J- 10 Squats
K- 10 Jumpinq Jacks
L- 20 Crunches
M- Drink One Cup Of Water.
N- 10 Crunches
O- 5 Squat Thrusts
P- 5 Suicides
Q- 30 Jumpinq Jacks
R- 15 Jumpinq Jacks
S- 5 Pushups
T- 15 Squats
U- 3 Suicides
V- 10 Arm Circles
W- 10 M. Climbers
X- 20 Jumpinq Jacks
Y- 10 Squat Thrusts
Z- 7 Pushups

Binge Relapse :(

Long story short: i gave up. Bingeing today. Spending the rest of this month with my aunt too, who will make me eat. So i am no longer going to post entries on this blog till august when i will start fasting again. So bye for a little while...i'm a fat failure... T_T

Blah

Today weighed myself again after a run & eating 80 calories, still 109 . 4 lol. I think it's just the water weight though. Will weigh myself again tonight, hopefully will have dropped to 108! :)

Updatee

I am 109.4 now. Yess! :D Lowest i've been in a while! I feel so good about myself when i stay thin & not eat. This is the fucking best i've felt in a while, sure i may be too exhausted to move, but at least i am dropping pounds like that. ;) this is awesome. Justgreat :D

New Weiqht

= 112. I'm On A Hardcore Diet Dude. xD 500 To 800 Calories A Day. I also am doing 8 minutes of crunches daily & going to the gymn too where i do the eliptical machine & stationary bike. :3 & i won't be surprised if next time i weigh myself i'm less than 112. Cuz when i diet i lose a pound a day :D
:3

Holy Shit

Long story short: they found out about the pills & the cutting & took my pills so i can't od now. :( [can still cut though i have an endless stash of razors ^-^]
& OMG THIS IS THE MOST UPSETTING THING: i weigh motherfucking 114 again. FML. Yesterday was the biggest binge of my life, too. Ugh. I'm such a fat failure...

Confession

I cut last night. Pretty deep, i guess. I have been bingeing today :/ i feel horrible.
To top it all off i've been pretty numb since last night when i cut. I'm hoarding my nightly meds till i have 20 to OD on. & this time i won't go to the er. Hopefully i'll die from it, if i don't i'll at least get high :)
Anyway, it won't happen till next week. That's how long it will take to hoard up the pills..

Im A Horrible Anorexic

I Just give up, fuck it. I'll let myself get fat bc i <3 my food like a bingeaholic. Besides my [maybe bf?] would like it if i gained more weight. Otherwise during sex my spine would prbly break, LMFAO. xD
I'll Prbly relapse into anorexia sometime but for now i'ma just chill...maybe some of you can too. We're beautiful without being thin! So accept it <3

OH MY GOD

I am so triggered right now! I just wana lose lose lose weight. I feel like such a failure for eating so much this week *cries* I can't believe i gave up that easy! What the hell!! I am in a HUGE need for fasting..seriously. I din't even wanna THINK of how much weight i've gained here in europe! What is wrong with me??? -.- Just wait till i get home. Just fucking WAIT.

Since This Week Is Binqe Week...

I'm having fun enjoying all the crap that i eat. Really. I have energy & a good mood. Feel horrible about myself though but oh well. -.- Hopefully a week of eating alot won't make me too fat...>.<
Can't wait to get home so i can start fasting again. <|3

Fuck Me

This morning blacked out cuz i had no food in my system. So i gave up today & have been eating a ton i'm just so hungry. T_T I'm A fucking horrible anorexic. Fml. I'm such a fatass.

Hmmm...

Vampirefreaks.com is being a bitch rightnow & won't load for me...so if anyone is reading this from vf that's why i can't get on...-.- It better Fix itself soon.

Today

Leaving for europe today. Wish me luck i won't gain weight...if i have to i'll just downrite refuse food at meals. No fucking one can make me eat. I've made so much progress i can't let them fuck it up! I've been strong enough to not binge over the past few days & i'm losing about a pound a day! My fucking family is NOT gonna ruin it.

Triqqered/Worried/Upset

Tomorrow i'm going to europe. & Idk How I'm Gonna get out of meals there. It's vacation & we're gonna be eating out a lot in france...we'll be doing alot of walking though but still i just know i'm gonna gain weight! *cries*
I don't want this...i just want to starve myself for weeks. It's not like i'd die! Just pass out a little bit...why is it my family's fucking mission to fatten me up?! When i get home i'm gonna have to start ALL OVER on losing weight! Just fuck my life!!!!!

Update :D

My New Weiqht=110. Lost 2 Pounds. :)

Ugh

Today i have only had fruit snacks. Before then, i had gone 15 hours without eating. That was very good of me, i was unbelievably hungry. I still am but not as bad. I could've waited until dinner to eat anything but my willpOwer is weak. :( I am a fat failure...

Second Thoughts

So this morning i'm having second thoughts about not eating. :( I am so hungry i really wanna eat. But i've been making progress so there's no way i'm gonna give up & eat. I feel great. I know it's all in my head, how i already feel skinnier, but i would rather feel skinny & not really be skinny than to feel fat when i am fat. I'm just weird...
Man do i love fantasizing about eating food. It's too bad I can't though. But oh well. I'm getting so much better at resisting food. I'm proud of myself. I wonder how long i'll be able to go without food today before someone makes me eat...

Tonight

God i love the feeling of hunger. Since i can't cut i'm enjoying the hunger pains. <3
Didn't eat anything since after lunch time. Not gonna eat breakfast tomorrow either. I <3 this eating disorder. Please let me lose weight. I feel horrible; my stomach is bloated & it's kinda cramped. -.- But i'm proud of myself for not eating any of the delicious looking food, especially the dessert. Just keep telling myself i'll feel horrible about myself. That's pretty much how i'm makin this work. I want to lose weight so bad. :(

:)

Going to spend the night at my friends house tonight for her Birthday. =] So i can get out of eating dinner which is good. I ate grits, halfva piece of cantaloupe, pinto beans, fried ocra, & macaroni. That was wayyyyyy too much. My grandma's goal in life is to make me so fucking fat. But thankfully i am making progress; the tops of my pants are getting looser. Despite their efforts at making me eat alot are failing. I'm doing the best i can to under eat & exercise: doing crunches, riding my bike, doing planks, & other things like that before & after every meal. [Exercising right before eating speeds up your metabolism, hehe.]
So at 6 i'm going to Olive Garden with my friends. My parents gave me money for food so i'll just hide it so they think i spent it. Then i can sAy when i get home tomorrow that i had breakfast at my friends house so i'll only have to eat lunch & dinner thank god. Ugh. I am so hungry but if it wasn't for my family i would starve mysfelf to death. I'm VERY inspired to starve so i can lose weight. Cuz compared to other anorexics i look like a fucking whale! I've got to change that. I swear i will, one day.<3

So...

I guess you could call me anorexic. I'm 5'10 & weigh 112...I'm trying to get to 100. But my family makes me eat too much. & my sister said that if i don't start eating more then i can't go to the gymn anymore...being 16 fucking sucks. I can't wait till i have a house of my own so i can cut & starve into oblivian. I feel so horrible when i eat. I just wanna lose weight& get more skinny. It's so hard though. But i promise i won't ever give up. I hope someday i weigh 85. I want to be nothing more than a skeleton. Don't ask me why i just can't get it out of my head. This eating disorder is starting to slowly take over my life & i just want more & more. Skinny is how i feel good about myself. Skinny is what makes me feel beautiful, like a model. I would just die if i ever gained any more weight. If it wasn't for my family i could go weeks without eating. But no, they make me eat shit every fucking day. They want me to gain weight, say i'm underweight. What the fuck?! It's my body, & since i have to hold it out on the cutting for a while, i need this ED to take the place. My eating disorder is the main focus of my life now. No more will i binge eat. & i've tried purging but it doesn't work! I don't have a gag reflex or something. What do you think?
So anywho, it's half past 12 now & i'm kinda tired. I will post more tomorrow.