Well then

I'm not going to be posting on this blog anymore. I've decided to give recovery another shot, this time without having to go back to treatment. I still would kill to be as skinny as I used to be, but have to keep reminding myself that there is more to life than being thin, and waiting for the number on the scale to be low enough. ED is full of SHIT. My friend from treatment, HER friend from treatment ended up dying today from her own eating disorder. I don't want anyone to have to deal with losing me thanks to my starving & puking. Fuck ED. I don't need my eating disorder to define who I am anymore. I doubt anyone's reading this blog anyway, but if you are then you need to get help now before you let ED take over your life. I'm not letting it take over mine any more. Not ever again. I know I'll end up relapsing eventually, that is inevitable. But I don't have to let a relapse cause me to go back to treatment, or even worse, die. I'm ready to move on with my life. I have college to attend to, I need to learn how to drive, I need to work on getting a real life for myself.

Best of luck to everyone else out there is trying to recover. <3

Tired

Today was my therapist appointment. Long story short I refuse to "recover on my own". I can't bring myself to eat. It fucking scares me and I don't want to gain weight again! So because I "can't take care of myself" I'll be off to treatment soon... To another different place this time, it looks like. According to my mom I made no improvement at the last center I was at, apparently I didn't "participate" in anything and slept the whole time. No shit. I was on Lithium and that knocked me out...literally. I couldn't keep myself awake most of the fucking time. That had nothing to do with me "not participating". Ugh.

Anyway, so I don't know when or where I'm going yet. But damn I feel so fucking guilty. All the shit I put my family through... I am such a selfish, horrible fat person. I don't know what's ever gonna make me want to recover though. Something's holding me back but I don't know what IT is. I'm going fucking crazy.

I WANT to be normal around food, I want to be able to be "healthy" as in not starving myself and definitely not binging. I don't know how to be normal anymore. I just can't eat "healthy". I can't do this while I'm at home. Not while I have the opportunity to do whatever the hell I want. Cuz when it's my choice, I'm just gonna do whatever the fuck I want to do. No one's gonna stop me. Because of this I hate myself. It's like the only one I think about the most and care about is myself. I just want to starve myself to death so I can get rid of this burden everyone knows me as. Is it too much to ask that I want to fade away? I hate having people think I only do this for attention, that I'm just stubborn and stupid.

I would like to know what it's like to be normal again. But yet at the same time I just don't want to "recover". I am full of contradictions. I hate everything.

It will be a relief once I'm away from home and my parents. I hate what I'm putting them through. And I do hate that I'm distancing myself from my entire family. It's like everyone just gets on my nerves all the time. I am irritable and just beyond caring. I don't want to be around my family anymore. Being around them knowing that they know I'm vulnerable like this makes me ashamed.

I have to keep telling myself I am made of stone, so I won't end up crying in front anyone. I don't need to cry. It just makes me look even weaker, and makes people think I care. I hate to say it but sometimes I really just don't care what my family does. All I can focus on is myself, I want to waste away. I'm sick of myself and sick of everyone around me. I don't want to live this life anymore.

What a week it's already been

Okayy...recap. Sunday I binged. On strawberry cobbler, pecan pie, ice cream, fudge... I had a very big dinner as well, with a kit kat for dessert. Was VERY unhappy with myself. A lot of progress thrown down the drain. Not to mention that night after eating fruit snacks I purged. 

After the day, I thought I could try to eat a bit more healthier than I had been. I thought shooting for 900 calories a day would help me to not binge anymore. But yesterday I freaked the fuck out when I went over 600. Definitely not a good idea for me to increase my calorie budget. Yesterday I had a bagel with cream cheese which I tried to purge. It didn't come back up hardly at all. Then I had ice cream which I started to purge until I missed the plastic bag and got a little puke on my sweatpants. So I changed pants quickly and missed the opportunity to finish that purge. Then for dinner I had some edamome. Just 90 calories.. I think I attempted to purge after that but quickly gave up before I got caught.

 Today I ate a lot better. Had veggie chips (150), bread (50), jelly (which may have been 30 or less), and fruit snacks...which were 200. I tried to purge those. I think I got rid of most of them. Pretty much nothing came up after a while And I was dry heaving. So either I got them all up or they just refused to come up. I'm not sure. (Yes, the fruit snacks are 200 because in ONE individual  bag, they put two and a fucking half servings of the fruit snacks. That's America: supersize me.)

Well, I think I am still losing weight. Sunday was just a set back. And Monday. Discounting the purging I had probably 660 calories yesterday. So today, 450 was VERY good. I believe in myself, so I won't binge anymore. It was just so hard to resist all the fucking dessert at my grandma's house on Sunday. Jesus.

Tomorrow, I see my therapist. The dreaded appointment. If I am honest, then she'll definitely suggest I go back to treatment. I don't really think I CAN'T be honest. I don't look very good. Some people would say I'm starting to look sick. And I know all the purging makes my face look sick. My therapist in the mental hospital once told me that. (That's how she had figured out I was purging.)

So yes, tomorrow will be the end of this limbo. I'll finally know whether I'm staying or going. I'm so anxious. In a way, I want to go back to treatment because I am so sick of all my shit. I want to have a normal relationship with food, I really do. I hate eating and instantly feeling fat and guilty. I need to get better in that department. I really don't want to gain weight, though. I know I am underweight for my height. So I probably need to gain some weight. And if I go to treatment that will be inevitable. So that's the only reason I wouldn't want to go. But I know if I stay home I will get much worse. I won't stop until I starve to death. Or puke to death for that matter. Now that I figured out how to purge in other places besides the toilet it is a lot easier to get away with. I try to only eat "safe" foods, though, in case I don't get to finish purging them. Don't want to eat a bunch of dessert and get caught in the middle of purging them. Then I'd have to live with all that fatness in my belly. No thanks.

God, I will be so relieved tomorrow when I find out whether I'm leaving or not. I hate this limbo. 

I hate everything

I want to fucking die. I’m sick of my life. All I do is fuck things up. No matter how skinny I get, nothing will ever get better. But is that going to make me want to “recover”? Not really. I just don’t want to ever stop starving ever again. I don’t deserve to eat. I don’t deserve to get better. I hate myself. I wish I could escape my life. I keep hurting everyone around me and they don’t deserve it. I hope I starve to death or at least go to treatment so I can escape my life. I’m so fucking sick of everything. I’m sick of myself and of my family, I’m sick of what I do to myself and what I do to everyone around me. I want to be someone else. I don’t wanna be me, anymore. I don’t know, words can’t describe this feeling I have. I just don’t want to be here anymore. And I’m too numb to cry. I feel like I’m made of stone. I kept myself from crying in therapy and from crying when arguing with my mom yesterday as well. Now that I have the opportunity, I just can’t. What’s the point? I can’t feel anything. I don’t WANT to feel anything. I’m tired of being here. No matter how much I say that though, it won’t change anything. All I can do is keep restricting/starving until I finally get sent away. I don’t care if they make me gain more weight, at least it’ll be easier than doing it at home around everyone who drives me crazy. I’m going to escape this house somehow.

PISSED OFF

Today my therapist told me if I don't show any improvement in my eating by next week's appointment they'll start looking into treatment centers for me... WHAT THE FUCK! I'm not even fucking sick yet! My BMI is like 17.9. Fuck my life I'm a fucking fat ass. I used to be normally 16 when I was more underweight. I miss it so much.
I just don't understand why everyone else gets to stay home & get so sick while I can't! My fucking parents freak the fuck out when I relapse. What the hell? Get over yourselves! I'm not going to DIE. Christ.
Fuck me, fuck my family & treatment team, & fuck my life. I just want to die sometimes, I wouldn't mind after all if my heart gave out.

Kinda confused.

So sometimes I feel like I'm losing weight, I mean, I am. But painfully slowly. My mom would beg to differ. I guess everyone else sees something different than me. But last night I took a picture of me in my bra and panties. And all I see is a fat piece of shit. Did that digital scale really say 125 when I last weighed myself? It really can't be right. But the scale never lied before. I just feel like last year when I got down to 125 I was at least a little thinner. I could fit into my 0 jeans again. (Of course, they were kinda stretched from me wearing them all the time.) I guess I'm losing weight in different spots than last time.
My mom is constantly saying she is trying to understand me. Bitch please. That's not going to fucking happen so stop fucking trying! You don't have a fucking eating disorder. Get over yourself. I honestly don't care anymore when you say you'll never stop loving me no matter how much I hurt you and the rest of the family by hurting myself. I am so done with caring about my family. I have to force myself not to. Because if I let myself care, then I will feel like I need to give up my eating disorder. I can't do that. Recovery scares me, and so does the thought of gaining weight, even the thought of STAYING at this weight.
I am selfish I know. But I am keeping my wants higher than the wants of the rest of my family. They don't know me. They think they're hurting more than I am. Bullshit. No one knows how I fucking feel.
I would LOVE to be normal again. But I don't know how. I haven't been normal in so long.

Exasperated.

I feel like I'll never get this weight off me!! Saw my nutritionist today who right after weighing me, said "So, I'm guessing you're still not eating?" I'm not sure if she thought I'd lost any weight or not. I mean, sometimes I feel like I have lost weight, because some parts of me seem to be shrinking. But I look in the mirror and I still look fat! Or "healthy", however you call it. My fucking stomach won't go away. I don't want to have an ideal or healthy body anymore. I just want to be sick skinny. Stick skinny. You get the picture.

I ate yogurt this morning (90), one bite of a chocolate candy (which I'm guessing was around 50 calories) and veggie chips for dinner (150). BUT I really am not sure how much the candy was so I still feel like shit. I am hungry as fuck, though. Brought up some reeses cups and kisses to chew and spit tonight. I am always craving chocolate, among other deserts. I'd really like to chew and spit marshmallows too, but my sister would notice them missing, seeing as they're on the kitchen counter. Oh well...

I'll try to do some exercises before I chew & spit. I REALLY REALLY want to lose weight so bad. I am so exasperated with my body, just like how everyone around me is exasperated with me.

Ugh

I'm still the same weight. I have been thinking about completely giving up today and binging. But I need to hold myself accountable. When I say I'm going to get skinny, I MEAN it. I'm not gonna be some fake ass hypocrite who says, "Yeah, I have an eating disorder" but eats all the fucking time. Fuck that.
I got some candy from my grandma today. I plan on chewing and spitting tonight. That's the closest I'll get to binging. Mind you, if I could, I WOULD binge, but I'm afraid I won't get the chance to purge afterward. Either that or I wouldn't get to purge it all. So chewing and spitting it is, then.
I can't wait. I have been craving chocolate for so long. I'll have to sneak up here tonight with a couple of ziplock bags so I can spit in them and throw them away. Easy. Gah, I really can't wait. I'm fucking starving.
Ate maybe 40 to 45 calories of yogurt this morning, and that's it. Going to have veggie chips for dinner, which is 150. That'll be it for today. I don't care if I get bitched at for my parents. I'm fat and no one is going to convince me different. I need to lose weight.