Okayy...recap.
Sunday I binged. On strawberry cobbler, pecan pie, ice cream, fudge... I had a
very big dinner as well, with a kit kat for dessert. Was VERY unhappy with
myself. A lot of progress thrown down the drain. Not to mention that night
after eating fruit snacks I purged.
After the day, I
thought I could try to eat a bit more healthier than I had been. I thought
shooting for 900 calories a day would help me to not binge anymore. But
yesterday I freaked the fuck out when I went over 600. Definitely not a good
idea for me to increase my calorie budget. Yesterday I had a bagel with cream
cheese which I tried to purge. It didn't come back up hardly at all. Then I had
ice cream which I started to purge until I missed the plastic bag and got a
little puke on my sweatpants. So I changed pants quickly and missed the
opportunity to finish that purge. Then for dinner I had some edamome. Just 90
calories.. I think I attempted to purge after that but quickly gave up before I
got caught.
Today I ate a lot better. Had veggie chips
(150), bread (50), jelly (which may have been 30 or less), and fruit
snacks...which were 200. I tried to purge those. I think I got rid of most of
them. Pretty much nothing came up after a while And I was dry heaving. So
either I got them all up or they just refused to come up. I'm not sure. (Yes,
the fruit snacks are 200 because in ONE individual bag, they put two and a fucking half servings
of the fruit snacks. That's America: supersize me.)
Well, I think I am
still losing weight. Sunday was just a set back. And Monday. Discounting the
purging I had probably 660 calories yesterday. So today, 450 was VERY good. I
believe in myself, so I won't binge anymore. It was just so hard to resist all
the fucking dessert at my grandma's house on Sunday. Jesus.
Tomorrow, I see my
therapist. The dreaded appointment. If I am honest, then she'll definitely
suggest I go back to treatment. I don't really think I CAN'T be honest. I don't
look very good. Some people would say I'm starting to look sick. And I know all
the purging makes my face look sick. My therapist in the mental hospital once
told me that. (That's how she had figured out I was purging.)
So yes, tomorrow
will be the end of this limbo. I'll finally know whether I'm staying or going.
I'm so anxious. In a way, I want to go back to treatment because I am so sick
of all my shit. I want to have a normal relationship with food, I really do. I
hate eating and instantly feeling fat and guilty. I need to get better in that
department. I really don't want to gain weight, though. I know I am underweight
for my height. So I probably need to gain some weight. And if I go to treatment
that will be inevitable. So that's the only reason I wouldn't want to go. But I
know if I stay home I will get much worse. I won't stop until I starve to
death. Or puke to death for that matter. Now that I figured out how to purge in
other places besides the toilet it is a lot easier to get away with. I try to
only eat "safe" foods, though, in case I don't get to finish purging
them. Don't want to eat a bunch of dessert and get caught in the middle of
purging them. Then I'd have to live with all that fatness in my belly. No
thanks.
God, I will be so
relieved tomorrow when I find out whether I'm leaving or not. I hate this
limbo.
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