I hate everything

I want to fucking die. I’m sick of my life. All I do is fuck things up. No matter how skinny I get, nothing will ever get better. But is that going to make me want to “recover”? Not really. I just don’t want to ever stop starving ever again. I don’t deserve to eat. I don’t deserve to get better. I hate myself. I wish I could escape my life. I keep hurting everyone around me and they don’t deserve it. I hope I starve to death or at least go to treatment so I can escape my life. I’m so fucking sick of everything. I’m sick of myself and of my family, I’m sick of what I do to myself and what I do to everyone around me. I want to be someone else. I don’t wanna be me, anymore. I don’t know, words can’t describe this feeling I have. I just don’t want to be here anymore. And I’m too numb to cry. I feel like I’m made of stone. I kept myself from crying in therapy and from crying when arguing with my mom yesterday as well. Now that I have the opportunity, I just can’t. What’s the point? I can’t feel anything. I don’t WANT to feel anything. I’m tired of being here. No matter how much I say that though, it won’t change anything. All I can do is keep restricting/starving until I finally get sent away. I don’t care if they make me gain more weight, at least it’ll be easier than doing it at home around everyone who drives me crazy. I’m going to escape this house somehow.