Tired

Today was my therapist appointment. Long story short I refuse to "recover on my own". I can't bring myself to eat. It fucking scares me and I don't want to gain weight again! So because I "can't take care of myself" I'll be off to treatment soon... To another different place this time, it looks like. According to my mom I made no improvement at the last center I was at, apparently I didn't "participate" in anything and slept the whole time. No shit. I was on Lithium and that knocked me out...literally. I couldn't keep myself awake most of the fucking time. That had nothing to do with me "not participating". Ugh.

Anyway, so I don't know when or where I'm going yet. But damn I feel so fucking guilty. All the shit I put my family through... I am such a selfish, horrible fat person. I don't know what's ever gonna make me want to recover though. Something's holding me back but I don't know what IT is. I'm going fucking crazy.

I WANT to be normal around food, I want to be able to be "healthy" as in not starving myself and definitely not binging. I don't know how to be normal anymore. I just can't eat "healthy". I can't do this while I'm at home. Not while I have the opportunity to do whatever the hell I want. Cuz when it's my choice, I'm just gonna do whatever the fuck I want to do. No one's gonna stop me. Because of this I hate myself. It's like the only one I think about the most and care about is myself. I just want to starve myself to death so I can get rid of this burden everyone knows me as. Is it too much to ask that I want to fade away? I hate having people think I only do this for attention, that I'm just stubborn and stupid.

I would like to know what it's like to be normal again. But yet at the same time I just don't want to "recover". I am full of contradictions. I hate everything.

It will be a relief once I'm away from home and my parents. I hate what I'm putting them through. And I do hate that I'm distancing myself from my entire family. It's like everyone just gets on my nerves all the time. I am irritable and just beyond caring. I don't want to be around my family anymore. Being around them knowing that they know I'm vulnerable like this makes me ashamed.

I have to keep telling myself I am made of stone, so I won't end up crying in front anyone. I don't need to cry. It just makes me look even weaker, and makes people think I care. I hate to say it but sometimes I really just don't care what my family does. All I can focus on is myself, I want to waste away. I'm sick of myself and sick of everyone around me. I don't want to live this life anymore.