It's weird how I go from one opposite to another. I don't feel better now. I've started just last night to hoard my pills till I have enough to overdose on. I don't want to fucking eat anymore. I've had it with my fat self. I am NOT going to gain any more weight. I'm going to try to lose weight again, whether I have to starve myself or purge, I don't care. I'll do both. What's the point if I'm just going to kill myself in the end anyway?
What do I have to live for? Nothing. I'm so tired of this pointless life. I'm ready to go.
23.9.13
Things are getting bad again
I cut last night...Forgot how much I miss it. I only have safety pins, mind you, I would LOVE to have an actual fucking blade.
I know, WHY am I cutting?? I don't know. Everything just feels like it's turning to shit again. I'm lonely as ever and sometimes I just get that feeling that no matter what I do I'll end up meaningless and alone. Life is such bullshit sometimes. It's really hard to keep going to the same place every day knowing that you have no friends there. It's hard eating all the fucking time without purging. It's hard to stay awake when all you want to do is sleep your life away. It's hard to feel motivated when you feel like no one gives a fuck. It's hard to live for your family when you know that they're the only reason keeping you alive.
It's hard to just keep going on, period, when things get dark again and it's hard to find your way out.
No matter how much life starts looking up again, there's always the same demons at your back, reminding you of the past five years. What's going to make the rest of this year any different than all the years before it? I'm still depressed, hopeless, alone, and fucking pointless.
I know I have control but at the same time I don't. I just don't want to fight my mind anymore. It's easier to give in to the depression and cutting. Why fight something that only wants to ATTEMPT to make you feel better? Who AM I if I'm not hurting myself in some way? I'm no one and that's all I'll ever be. I can journal to Vas all I want and listen to music all fucking day but in the end I am still nothing. Nothing I can do will ever change anything. I really just want to die, now. I look into my future and see things only getting worse. I think things are bad NOW? I'm wrong. People age, they die, they leave, they get fed up with you. My family won't be here forever. I'll most likely never see my treatment friends again. I can't bring myself to even communicate with anyone at school; I get so apathetic. Fuck EVERYTHING.
I just want to give up. I'm tired of this meaningless life. I'm drowning in it.
I know, WHY am I cutting?? I don't know. Everything just feels like it's turning to shit again. I'm lonely as ever and sometimes I just get that feeling that no matter what I do I'll end up meaningless and alone. Life is such bullshit sometimes. It's really hard to keep going to the same place every day knowing that you have no friends there. It's hard eating all the fucking time without purging. It's hard to stay awake when all you want to do is sleep your life away. It's hard to feel motivated when you feel like no one gives a fuck. It's hard to live for your family when you know that they're the only reason keeping you alive.
It's hard to just keep going on, period, when things get dark again and it's hard to find your way out.
No matter how much life starts looking up again, there's always the same demons at your back, reminding you of the past five years. What's going to make the rest of this year any different than all the years before it? I'm still depressed, hopeless, alone, and fucking pointless.
I know I have control but at the same time I don't. I just don't want to fight my mind anymore. It's easier to give in to the depression and cutting. Why fight something that only wants to ATTEMPT to make you feel better? Who AM I if I'm not hurting myself in some way? I'm no one and that's all I'll ever be. I can journal to Vas all I want and listen to music all fucking day but in the end I am still nothing. Nothing I can do will ever change anything. I really just want to die, now. I look into my future and see things only getting worse. I think things are bad NOW? I'm wrong. People age, they die, they leave, they get fed up with you. My family won't be here forever. I'll most likely never see my treatment friends again. I can't bring myself to even communicate with anyone at school; I get so apathetic. Fuck EVERYTHING.
I just want to give up. I'm tired of this meaningless life. I'm drowning in it.
12.9.13
Happy?
I really feel like a new, different, better person now. I no longer want to look emaciated. I don't find that attractive anymore. Of course, there still is that sick part in my brain that gets uber jealous when I see anorexic girls. But to be honest, the bigger better part of me finds curves to be attractive, now. And that makes me so HAPPY! I am starting to feel actually comfortable in my own body now. My arms are still slender, I wear a size 6 in jeans, but that's alright since I'm 5'10". I think my metabolism is speeding up again, and I'm eating pretty much whatever I want. No starving, binging, or purging anymore. Some days I may eat a little too much carbs or some shit, but that's fucking normal! Fuck my nutritionist if she doesn't agree. I am NOT eating too much, period. I'm eating normally, healthily, like any other non-disordered girl out there.
I don't need to be skinny anymore to like my body. To tell the truth, I'm pretty damn happy with my body, now. Which is just fucking awesome. It is amazing to be able to feel comfortable in my own skin, after years and years thinking I was too bony growing up, or too fat (in my anorexic years).
But SERIOUSLY seeing my body as just FINE all started when I began listening to Hanzel und Gretyl and saw Vas Kallas up on that stage in youtube performances. Never had I ever thought that a curvy woman could be attractive until I saw her. I have no CLUE why it suddenly changed then but I am glad it did! NEED to start embracing myself with positive body images.
It just feels so great to have a normally functioning body now and positive thoughts. Now I just need to start making new friends...but that is like the hardest thing for me to do (in person). :/
Hopefully some day I will begin to feel comfortable around other people. But if I'm not today, then I have the rest of my life to practice.
I don't need to be skinny anymore to like my body. To tell the truth, I'm pretty damn happy with my body, now. Which is just fucking awesome. It is amazing to be able to feel comfortable in my own skin, after years and years thinking I was too bony growing up, or too fat (in my anorexic years).
But SERIOUSLY seeing my body as just FINE all started when I began listening to Hanzel und Gretyl and saw Vas Kallas up on that stage in youtube performances. Never had I ever thought that a curvy woman could be attractive until I saw her. I have no CLUE why it suddenly changed then but I am glad it did! NEED to start embracing myself with positive body images.
It just feels so great to have a normally functioning body now and positive thoughts. Now I just need to start making new friends...but that is like the hardest thing for me to do (in person). :/
Hopefully some day I will begin to feel comfortable around other people. But if I'm not today, then I have the rest of my life to practice.
11.9.13
Well today I made some more progress in my math class, which is a first in my life. Usually I'm terrible at math but this class I'm enrolled in is quite easy.
School is getting really annoying. Well, namely the other students there. Seriously, would it kill you to not shun or ignore me? xD I know I'm weird but I'm not a fucking leper. Geez, it's like being in high school again. Makes me feel like shit again and I miss cutting/starving/purging.
But I don't have to turn to any of those anymore. I know I have real friends who actually care about me, so none of the assholes at school matter. It's nice to be able to leave school and come home to music, family, and messaging my best friend.
Really, though, I would so be DEAD now if it wasn't for music!
I friended Vas Kallas on facebook and I doubt she'll friend me back, but oh well. I knew it would bother me for the rest of my life if I didn't grab the opportunity. When I get really sad or lonely I really just wish I actually knew Vas. It would be fucking awesome if we were friends. But alas, my life is boring and pointless. :/
I'll have to settle with only listening to music and texting/FB messaging my friends. (Cuz all my friends don't even live near me. That's the downside of keeping friends from treatment centers.)
Le sigh...
School is getting really annoying. Well, namely the other students there. Seriously, would it kill you to not shun or ignore me? xD I know I'm weird but I'm not a fucking leper. Geez, it's like being in high school again. Makes me feel like shit again and I miss cutting/starving/purging.
But I don't have to turn to any of those anymore. I know I have real friends who actually care about me, so none of the assholes at school matter. It's nice to be able to leave school and come home to music, family, and messaging my best friend.
Really, though, I would so be DEAD now if it wasn't for music!
I friended Vas Kallas on facebook and I doubt she'll friend me back, but oh well. I knew it would bother me for the rest of my life if I didn't grab the opportunity. When I get really sad or lonely I really just wish I actually knew Vas. It would be fucking awesome if we were friends. But alas, my life is boring and pointless. :/
I'll have to settle with only listening to music and texting/FB messaging my friends. (Cuz all my friends don't even live near me. That's the downside of keeping friends from treatment centers.)
Le sigh...
8.9.13
September 8
Math has got me stressing but I'll live.
Today was alright, despite being dragged to church as usual. I pulled out my book and read through the service. Lunch at my grandma's, I tried not to eat too much, but failed. Then I listened to music and did homework for the rest of the day. So just a normal day... feeling a little bit better. It's the small things that make life okay.
Watching Doctor Who, eating good food (whether it be healthy or junk), reading, music, HANZEL UND GRETYL AND THE CRUXSHADOWS... :3 Can't leave out Genitorturers too.
Well, that's all I've got to say today. Hopefully tomorrow I won't get too bored while at school. Or too stressed. It's either one or the other. At least I'm withdrawing from my psychology class. That will definitely lighten the load. I haven't been liking the class one bit, either. I must be plain lazy, then. Or too depressed to actually care.
Nah, take that back. I remember what it's like to be too depressed to care, and I am not in that state of mind anymore. Thinking much clearer!
Today was alright, despite being dragged to church as usual. I pulled out my book and read through the service. Lunch at my grandma's, I tried not to eat too much, but failed. Then I listened to music and did homework for the rest of the day. So just a normal day... feeling a little bit better. It's the small things that make life okay.
Watching Doctor Who, eating good food (whether it be healthy or junk), reading, music, HANZEL UND GRETYL AND THE CRUXSHADOWS... :3 Can't leave out Genitorturers too.
Well, that's all I've got to say today. Hopefully tomorrow I won't get too bored while at school. Or too stressed. It's either one or the other. At least I'm withdrawing from my psychology class. That will definitely lighten the load. I haven't been liking the class one bit, either. I must be plain lazy, then. Or too depressed to actually care.
Nah, take that back. I remember what it's like to be too depressed to care, and I am not in that state of mind anymore. Thinking much clearer!
7.9.13
Well shit
Haven't felt right since last night.
Haven't been this lonely in a long time. Now I'm starting to get that dissociative feeling where nothing is real and nothing matters. This whole feeling hasn't come over me in extreme since I was in maybe the 9th or 10th grade. I remember just walking down the hallways in school and everything would start vibrating. I was floating. At night I'd lay in my room staring at the wall not being able to move. I wanted to get up and do something, cut or something, to make myself feel better. But I couldn't bring myself to get up. I couldn't do shit. I wanted to cut away the feeling so badly.
If you ask me, it was the medication I was on. Zoloft really fucked me up, though partly the fault was mine, for taking more than needed every day. I guess I just wanted another way to hurt myself besides cutting.
Now I haven't cut since that last time I broke my razor to get to the blades. I recarved FAT into my leg and did some other minor cuts. Some small skinny rows of cuts. Looking at the scars now. Maybe they'll become raised if they don't fade.
Now I have another razor I could break, but I really need that to shave with. And I don't want to have to have another talk with my mom. She doesn't get shit..
She doesn't get how sometimes everything is just too much. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to be around anyone. I don't want to do classwork.
Starting to have more suicidal thoughts, now. I know that if I do attempt again I won't tell anyone. I don't want to bring attention on myself. If I wanted attention, I could actually, you know, walk up to someone and start conversation. But I don't want that. I do want friends but I don't want to get close to anyone at the same time. People only end up hurting you. And to be honest, most people either annoy me or piss me off. Hence why I stay a loner.
I don't really know what to think anymore. I hate this feeling. I miss the past, though it was so dark. But at least I had the blade to cope with. I don't have that luxury anymore.
If people found out I was cutting again they would think I'm a fucking liar. Because everyone thinks I'm doing so much better. I can't let anyone think I've been lying the whole time. Because I haven't. I HAVE been doing better, or so I thought. So why suddenly do I feel like shit again?
It's because I just started college. I feel like I'm back in my high school days, with no friends but music. I don't know a soul who even has anything in common with me. Words can't describe how fucking lonely I am.
I don't even know what I want to DO anymore. The depression is back wanting to pull me under. My eating disorder is still on my back, telling me I've gotten so fat and that I don't deserve to have dessert, or any carbs to be exact.
I had thought my cutting urges were gone for good but now I'm just thinking about cutting more and more. I miss the release, the blood, the open wounds... I remember how in high school I made myself anemic due to all the blood loss. I couldn't even stay awake in class.
Why do I fucking miss that?? I felt like shit! But I just want to cut. I want to make deep cuts again, make more scars that won't fade. I miss my coping mechanism. Sometimes my other coping skills aren't enough.
I admit that maybe if I actually talked to someone about this before I actually go and hurt myself, then maybe that would help. MAYBE.
I don't trust anyone to tell them how I'm feeling, however. If I want to cut, then I'm going to cut. If I'm going to try to kill myself, then I will try. It's true. I don't want anyone to stop me. I don't deserve help. I don't deserve the loving parents I have. True, they love me. They don't understand me a bit. That's what gets to me. Why would I want to talk to someone who thinks that their love is enough to keep me from hurting myself? I know people love me! I wish they DIDN'T. I don't deserve that and I don't need those ties to bring me down.
I try not to depend on anyone. I don't want my parents to depend on me. I don't want anyone to depend on me. I'm not a good person. Never was.
I'm tired of rambling. Goodbye for now.
Haven't been this lonely in a long time. Now I'm starting to get that dissociative feeling where nothing is real and nothing matters. This whole feeling hasn't come over me in extreme since I was in maybe the 9th or 10th grade. I remember just walking down the hallways in school and everything would start vibrating. I was floating. At night I'd lay in my room staring at the wall not being able to move. I wanted to get up and do something, cut or something, to make myself feel better. But I couldn't bring myself to get up. I couldn't do shit. I wanted to cut away the feeling so badly.
If you ask me, it was the medication I was on. Zoloft really fucked me up, though partly the fault was mine, for taking more than needed every day. I guess I just wanted another way to hurt myself besides cutting.
Now I haven't cut since that last time I broke my razor to get to the blades. I recarved FAT into my leg and did some other minor cuts. Some small skinny rows of cuts. Looking at the scars now. Maybe they'll become raised if they don't fade.
Now I have another razor I could break, but I really need that to shave with. And I don't want to have to have another talk with my mom. She doesn't get shit..
She doesn't get how sometimes everything is just too much. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to be around anyone. I don't want to do classwork.
Starting to have more suicidal thoughts, now. I know that if I do attempt again I won't tell anyone. I don't want to bring attention on myself. If I wanted attention, I could actually, you know, walk up to someone and start conversation. But I don't want that. I do want friends but I don't want to get close to anyone at the same time. People only end up hurting you. And to be honest, most people either annoy me or piss me off. Hence why I stay a loner.
I don't really know what to think anymore. I hate this feeling. I miss the past, though it was so dark. But at least I had the blade to cope with. I don't have that luxury anymore.
If people found out I was cutting again they would think I'm a fucking liar. Because everyone thinks I'm doing so much better. I can't let anyone think I've been lying the whole time. Because I haven't. I HAVE been doing better, or so I thought. So why suddenly do I feel like shit again?
It's because I just started college. I feel like I'm back in my high school days, with no friends but music. I don't know a soul who even has anything in common with me. Words can't describe how fucking lonely I am.
I don't even know what I want to DO anymore. The depression is back wanting to pull me under. My eating disorder is still on my back, telling me I've gotten so fat and that I don't deserve to have dessert, or any carbs to be exact.
I had thought my cutting urges were gone for good but now I'm just thinking about cutting more and more. I miss the release, the blood, the open wounds... I remember how in high school I made myself anemic due to all the blood loss. I couldn't even stay awake in class.
Why do I fucking miss that?? I felt like shit! But I just want to cut. I want to make deep cuts again, make more scars that won't fade. I miss my coping mechanism. Sometimes my other coping skills aren't enough.
I admit that maybe if I actually talked to someone about this before I actually go and hurt myself, then maybe that would help. MAYBE.
I don't trust anyone to tell them how I'm feeling, however. If I want to cut, then I'm going to cut. If I'm going to try to kill myself, then I will try. It's true. I don't want anyone to stop me. I don't deserve help. I don't deserve the loving parents I have. True, they love me. They don't understand me a bit. That's what gets to me. Why would I want to talk to someone who thinks that their love is enough to keep me from hurting myself? I know people love me! I wish they DIDN'T. I don't deserve that and I don't need those ties to bring me down.
I try not to depend on anyone. I don't want my parents to depend on me. I don't want anyone to depend on me. I'm not a good person. Never was.
I'm tired of rambling. Goodbye for now.
5.9.13
Seriously, the only thing that makes my day is music and my favorite band members. I wish I could meet Dani Filth or Vas Kallas. But that probably won't happen until I'm older, and by then, they'll be older as well and just not the same.
I don't even want to get started on the topic of aging. It scares me. Everyone you love gets older and closer to dying each day. Sometimes when I think about it too much I get so fucking anxious. And *I* become afraid of aging! Sometimes I think I'd be better off dying young than getting old. I can't imagine getting wrinkles, and everyone thinking I'm just another old geyser.
Why am I suddenly worrying about this stuff? I'm fucking 18!
Just ugh...
Yesterday was pretty unpleasant. But to end my night I drew some. I kind of miss drawing. I don't really like sketching anything besides people, though. Even though sometimes people can be so hard to draw. But usually once I get started, the proportions even themselves out and my drawings look decent.
So I have drawn Dani and Vas so far... I wonder who's next? Maybe I could try to draw Chibi from The Birthday Massacre? I don't know... I might not. I could always turn to drawing faeries, elves, and mermaids again. That was fun while it lasted. But after a while I got frustrated because I felt as if my drawing skills went down the toilet. But some days I just can't draw, while on others, my work looks fine. I guess some days are just like that.
Have my psych class today. Not looking forward to that. I'm going to drop it if I do terrible (like I expect) on my first exam next Tuesday.. I just can't retain all the info coming from that class. My memory is horrible, thanks to countless overdoses and years of being malnourished.
But that's life. It sucks.
Today I think will be a better day. I am in control of my emotions now, where in the past I just let my depression and loneliness take over me. NOT ANYMORE.
Mental illness will never rule my life again. I won't let it.
There are some things to live for... that is until you get old! Ha, back to the start. I really don't want to get old, and I don't want the people I love to get old, either. It's just disconcerting. :/
I don't even want to get started on the topic of aging. It scares me. Everyone you love gets older and closer to dying each day. Sometimes when I think about it too much I get so fucking anxious. And *I* become afraid of aging! Sometimes I think I'd be better off dying young than getting old. I can't imagine getting wrinkles, and everyone thinking I'm just another old geyser.
Why am I suddenly worrying about this stuff? I'm fucking 18!
Just ugh...
Yesterday was pretty unpleasant. But to end my night I drew some. I kind of miss drawing. I don't really like sketching anything besides people, though. Even though sometimes people can be so hard to draw. But usually once I get started, the proportions even themselves out and my drawings look decent.
So I have drawn Dani and Vas so far... I wonder who's next? Maybe I could try to draw Chibi from The Birthday Massacre? I don't know... I might not. I could always turn to drawing faeries, elves, and mermaids again. That was fun while it lasted. But after a while I got frustrated because I felt as if my drawing skills went down the toilet. But some days I just can't draw, while on others, my work looks fine. I guess some days are just like that.
Have my psych class today. Not looking forward to that. I'm going to drop it if I do terrible (like I expect) on my first exam next Tuesday.. I just can't retain all the info coming from that class. My memory is horrible, thanks to countless overdoses and years of being malnourished.
But that's life. It sucks.
Today I think will be a better day. I am in control of my emotions now, where in the past I just let my depression and loneliness take over me. NOT ANYMORE.
Mental illness will never rule my life again. I won't let it.
There are some things to live for... that is until you get old! Ha, back to the start. I really don't want to get old, and I don't want the people I love to get old, either. It's just disconcerting. :/
4.9.13
Some days are just hard and I lose my appetite... Sometimes I forget how much I like to feel hungry and cold. The cold turns my skin blotchy and makes my fingers, hands, and wrists look smaller. Then I can pretend that I'm sick again.
I just wish I really was sick. Feeling lonely and unreal. If I could I'd eat my lunch and then purge it, but I didn't bring a drink with me so the food wouldn't really come up if I tried.
Gotta stop thinking like this. I'm supposed to be better and healthy. I LOOK healthy. That's the part I hate. Healthy on me looks fat and it doesn't suit me. I'd always been thin and underweight all through growing up. I never really got fat until my first eating disorder treatment center. Ever since it's been so hard to lose weight and get skinny, where before it was the easiest thing in the world to stay thin. I could eat whatever I wanted sometimes and hardly gain any weight at all. Why does treatment always have to fuck with my metabolism? It fucks with SOMETHING; I'm just not sure what. (So I'm guessing with metabolism.) I used to have such a fast metabolism, even when I was purely restricting. It never slowed down and I never gained any weight. If only I had never gone to treatment... I might still weigh less than 117. :/
I just wish I really was sick. Feeling lonely and unreal. If I could I'd eat my lunch and then purge it, but I didn't bring a drink with me so the food wouldn't really come up if I tried.
Gotta stop thinking like this. I'm supposed to be better and healthy. I LOOK healthy. That's the part I hate. Healthy on me looks fat and it doesn't suit me. I'd always been thin and underweight all through growing up. I never really got fat until my first eating disorder treatment center. Ever since it's been so hard to lose weight and get skinny, where before it was the easiest thing in the world to stay thin. I could eat whatever I wanted sometimes and hardly gain any weight at all. Why does treatment always have to fuck with my metabolism? It fucks with SOMETHING; I'm just not sure what. (So I'm guessing with metabolism.) I used to have such a fast metabolism, even when I was purely restricting. It never slowed down and I never gained any weight. If only I had never gone to treatment... I might still weigh less than 117. :/
3.9.13
Back
Decided to start blogging again. Writing in my journal pisses me off because my handwriting is only getting ever the sloppier, so typing shall be the way to go.
Recovery is going alright, I purge sometimes (which is usually impulsively) but mostly I am quitting. Just yesterday I almost purged again but I stopped myself. That's how I know my eating disorder is slowly dying. I can't help but to feel sad about that, but it's the way it has to be. I am happier when I eat and when I keep the food inside me. It is impossible to ever be happy eating 500 calories each day, walking with death and always wondering when you'll finally die. ED always tells you it would all be worth it as long as you're incredibly skinny, but it is never worth it. I need to live. The past five years of my life I have wasted, to say the least.
Now I am in college and though it is overwhelming, I am still surviving.. And I must add, music makes everything tolerable. <3
I have added some Hanzel und Gretyl, Genitorturers, and The Cruxshadows on my iPod. Love it!
Lately I am actually questioning my sexuality. I don't really feel like going into detail over it, but to say the least, I don't trust males and I never have.. I find myself more and more admiring girls, loving that I can relate to so many friends I've met in treatment, how I can trust all my friends (who are girls). I don't know, something is definitely changing. And I think it's for the best. I hope whenever I do find a partner I will be happy, whether it's a girl or a guy.
Well that's it for now. Until later.
Recovery is going alright, I purge sometimes (which is usually impulsively) but mostly I am quitting. Just yesterday I almost purged again but I stopped myself. That's how I know my eating disorder is slowly dying. I can't help but to feel sad about that, but it's the way it has to be. I am happier when I eat and when I keep the food inside me. It is impossible to ever be happy eating 500 calories each day, walking with death and always wondering when you'll finally die. ED always tells you it would all be worth it as long as you're incredibly skinny, but it is never worth it. I need to live. The past five years of my life I have wasted, to say the least.
Now I am in college and though it is overwhelming, I am still surviving.. And I must add, music makes everything tolerable. <3
I have added some Hanzel und Gretyl, Genitorturers, and The Cruxshadows on my iPod. Love it!
Lately I am actually questioning my sexuality. I don't really feel like going into detail over it, but to say the least, I don't trust males and I never have.. I find myself more and more admiring girls, loving that I can relate to so many friends I've met in treatment, how I can trust all my friends (who are girls). I don't know, something is definitely changing. And I think it's for the best. I hope whenever I do find a partner I will be happy, whether it's a girl or a guy.
Well that's it for now. Until later.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)