Some days are just hard and I lose my appetite... Sometimes I forget how much I like to feel hungry and cold. The cold turns my skin blotchy and makes my fingers, hands, and wrists look smaller. Then I can pretend that I'm sick again.
I just wish I really was sick. Feeling lonely and unreal. If I could I'd eat my lunch and then purge it, but I didn't bring a drink with me so the food wouldn't really come up if I tried.
Gotta stop thinking like this. I'm supposed to be better and healthy. I LOOK healthy. That's the part I hate. Healthy on me looks fat and it doesn't suit me. I'd always been thin and underweight all through growing up. I never really got fat until my first eating disorder treatment center. Ever since it's been so hard to lose weight and get skinny, where before it was the easiest thing in the world to stay thin. I could eat whatever I wanted sometimes and hardly gain any weight at all. Why does treatment always have to fuck with my metabolism? It fucks with SOMETHING; I'm just not sure what. (So I'm guessing with metabolism.) I used to have such a fast metabolism, even when I was purely restricting. It never slowed down and I never gained any weight. If only I had never gone to treatment... I might still weigh less than 117. :/