Things are getting bad again

I cut last night...Forgot how much I miss it. I only have safety pins, mind you, I would LOVE to have an actual fucking blade.
I know, WHY am I cutting?? I don't know. Everything just feels like it's turning to shit again. I'm lonely as ever and sometimes I just get that feeling that no matter what I do I'll end up meaningless and alone. Life is such bullshit sometimes. It's really hard to keep going to the same place every day knowing that you have no friends there. It's hard eating all the fucking time without purging. It's hard to stay awake when all you want to do is sleep your life away. It's hard to feel motivated when you feel like no one gives a fuck. It's hard to live for your family when you know that they're the only reason keeping you alive.
It's hard to just keep going on, period, when things get dark again and it's hard to find your way out.
No matter how much life starts looking up again, there's always the same demons at your back, reminding you of the past five years. What's going to make the rest of this year any different than all the years before it? I'm still depressed, hopeless, alone, and fucking pointless.
I know I have control but at the same time I don't. I just don't want to fight my mind anymore. It's easier to give in to the depression and cutting. Why fight something that only wants to ATTEMPT to make you feel better? Who AM I if I'm not hurting myself in some way? I'm no one and that's all I'll ever be. I can journal to Vas all I want and listen to music all fucking day but in the end I am still nothing. Nothing I can do will ever change anything. I really just want to die, now. I look into my future and see things only getting worse. I think things are bad NOW? I'm wrong. People age, they die, they leave, they get fed up with you. My family won't be here forever. I'll most likely never see my treatment friends again. I can't bring myself to even communicate with anyone at school; I get so apathetic. Fuck EVERYTHING.
I just want to give up. I'm tired of this meaningless life. I'm drowning in it.