Well shit

Haven't felt right since last night.
Haven't been this lonely in a long time. Now I'm starting to get that dissociative feeling where nothing is real and nothing matters. This whole feeling hasn't come over me in extreme since I was in maybe the 9th or 10th grade. I remember just walking down the hallways in school and everything would start vibrating. I was floating. At night I'd lay in my room staring at the wall not being able to move. I wanted to get up and do something, cut or something, to make myself feel better. But I couldn't bring myself to get up. I couldn't do shit. I wanted to cut away the feeling so badly.
If you ask me, it was the medication I was on. Zoloft really fucked me up, though partly the fault was mine, for taking more than needed every day. I guess I just wanted another way to hurt myself besides cutting.
Now I haven't cut since that last time I broke my razor to get to the blades. I recarved FAT into my leg and did some other minor cuts. Some small skinny rows of cuts. Looking at the scars now. Maybe they'll become raised if they don't fade.
Now I have another razor I could break, but I really need that to shave with. And I don't want to have to have another talk with my mom. She doesn't get shit..
She doesn't get how sometimes everything is just too much. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to be around anyone. I don't want to do classwork.
Starting to have more suicidal thoughts, now. I know that if I do attempt again I won't tell anyone. I don't want to bring attention on myself. If I wanted attention, I could actually, you know, walk up to someone and start conversation. But I don't want that. I do want friends but I don't want to get close to anyone at the same time. People only end up hurting you. And to be honest, most people either annoy me or piss me off. Hence why I stay a loner.
I don't really know what to think anymore. I hate this feeling. I miss the past, though it was so dark. But at least I had the blade to cope with. I don't have that luxury anymore.
If people found out I was cutting again they would think I'm a fucking liar. Because everyone thinks I'm doing so much better. I can't let anyone think I've been lying the whole time. Because I haven't. I HAVE been doing better, or so I thought. So why suddenly do I feel like shit again?
It's because I just started college. I feel like I'm back in my high school days, with no friends but music. I don't know a soul who even has anything in common with me. Words can't describe how fucking lonely I am.
I don't even know what I want to DO anymore. The depression is back wanting to pull me under. My eating disorder is still on my back, telling me I've gotten so fat and that I don't deserve to have dessert, or any carbs to be exact.
I had thought my cutting urges were gone for good but now I'm just thinking about cutting more and more. I miss the release, the blood, the open wounds... I remember how in high school I made myself anemic due to all the blood loss. I couldn't even stay awake in class.
Why do I fucking miss that?? I felt like shit! But I just want to cut. I want to make deep cuts again, make more scars that won't fade. I miss my coping mechanism. Sometimes my other coping skills aren't enough.
I admit that maybe if I actually talked to someone about this before I actually go and hurt myself, then maybe that would help. MAYBE.
I don't trust anyone to tell them how I'm feeling, however. If I want to cut, then I'm going to cut. If I'm going to try to kill myself, then I will try. It's true. I don't want anyone to stop me. I don't deserve help. I don't deserve the loving parents I have. True, they love me. They don't understand me a bit. That's what gets to me. Why would I want to talk to someone who thinks that their love is enough to keep me from hurting myself? I know people love me! I wish they DIDN'T. I don't deserve that and I don't need those ties to bring me down.
I try not to depend on anyone. I don't want my parents to depend on me. I don't want anyone to depend on me. I'm not a good person. Never was.
I'm tired of rambling. Goodbye for now.