A hard day

I ended up purging twice today. I always end up doing it at family/social gatherings. Because I always indulge myself with SO much food. I have no self control. I wish I could be a clean and tidy anorexic but I'm messy; I eat whatever is in front of me and when I do end up purging it all comes up, splashing violently into the toilet while my eyes bulge out and water to the point it hurts to even keep them open. My nose runs nonstop and even bleeds sometimes. And the puke gets on my face and hands because I have to do it so fast so that no one can walk in on me. No time to wipe my face and hands while in the process.
Sorry for these gross and disgusting details, I KNOW that purging is a terrible behavior to use. But I don't struggle with only anorexia or with only bulimia. I have a mix of both, along with some periods of attempting to eat healthily. But they never last. I'm always going back and forth between purging and restricting, sometimes even binging, and then eating "normally." It never fucking ends! EDNOS is pure torture. I can't begin to explain how frustrating it is to go back and forth from one behavior to another, having periods of relapse, then periods of recovery. I just want it all to stop. I want to have a normal relationship with food but I don't know how. I always obsess over it; it's all I can think about. I like to eat when I'm bored or upset. Not only when I'm hungry. In fact, feeling hunger is never what makes me want to eat. I can deal with the growling stomach and chest pains. It's just the empty void that is created when I cut out food from my life, it's that that makes me want to binge binge BINGE. I sometimes feel as if I view food as the fucking holy grail. It's terrible, I know. But hey, it happens after years of being underweight and malnourished. I just can't purely starve myself anymore. I can't handle it. I always break down and eat my ass off. I feel like I don't even HAVE an eating disorder anymore. I am too fat now to even be looked at and called anorexic, like how I used to be. I miss it so much. I miss feeling semi-comfortable in my own skin. I miss actually believing I WAS skinny (though I was never skinny enough in my opinion).
I don't know how to get over it. I don't know how to have a normal relationship with food, I don't know how I can beat EDNOS. It seems like an impossible feat.
I know I should try my best to eat healthy for my girlfriend. I have to be here to help her and support her and love her. But if I keep up all these behaviors I really just don't want to be here anymore. I am getting suicidal thoughts more often because I get so frustrated with my body. I feel huger than ever and it is really just driving me insane! I can't stand living in my body. I feel like the most hideous girl on earth. I have terrible acne on my face, which ironically never got this bad until AFTER I began my weight restoration. I can't stand my face, now, at all. It used to look sunken in. Now it is chubby and makes me look disgusting. I want to cut it up because it disgusts me so much.
Ugh, I'm just going to stop there, now. I've had enough ranting for one night. I don't even know if writing about this even helps me; it just seems now that it gets me even more worked up. Yet I still journal on a daily basis and keep returning to this blog.
I don't understand why, but whatever.

I really should update my blog more often.

A lot has happened since that last post. Remember that friend I mentioned who was in treatment? We're in a relationship now! We talked on the phone while she was in treatment and she asked me if I wanted a relationship with her. I was kind of shy at first but said yes of course! I had already been having feelings for her before she found out. I was lucky she made the first move because if she hadn't I doubt I ever would have.
Well, she got out of that treatment center pretty quickly after that. She didn't want to be there. Came back home and we hung out quite a bit.
I really REALLY started to love her. At first I was reluctant, because I had never been in a relationship with ANYONE before. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be touched, be kissed, or anything. I never have felt comfortable with anyone physically. But now, I love just being close to her. Honestly I have always wanted someone to be there who could just hold me, comfort me... And as awkward as I am physically, she puts up with it. I miss everything about my girlfriend. I miss the nights where we'd lay in bed holding each other. I miss kissing her and holding her hand. I miss the smell of her perfume and her beautiful smile.
Miss, because she is back in another treatment center now. She couldn't keep on the weight and was having very bad health problems. She really has damaged her body so much from the eating disorder. I get so worried sometimes that I'll lose her. But she is safe now, in this other treatment center, I keep telling myself. I hope she can stay long enough there to set things right. She struggles with so much, so much more than the actual health problems. But I won't go into all the details; it's her business.
I've been going up and down like a yo-yo, meanwhile: restricting, binging, purging, cutting... you name it. I can't shake the eating disorder. I can't eat healthily or normally; what is normal? I just either eat too much or not enough. I don't know how to just have a healthy diet. On one hand I want to starve until I look deathly skinny. On the other hand, I want so badly to just be healthy. Have a healthy relationship with food, maintain a good weight. I am tired of going up and down, seeing my body get smaller, then bigger, then smaller, then bigger again. Because I can't stop restricting and binging! I feel so stuck in this stupid rut. I love food too much. I love it so much that when I do allow myself to eat I just can't stop. Then when I don't let myself eat, I tell myself how the act of eating is just so foreign: you put food in your mouth and your teeth mash it up then it goes down your throat... I mean sometimes eating sounds so weird to me. I know I sound weird saying that, but it's what I think.
But yeah, I am trying to recover from this eating disorder so I won't trigger my girlfriend anymore. I really can't restrict and lose weight while she's away in treatment trying to recover from the very act I am attempting. It's ridiculous. I have to stay strong for her. She loves me so much, and though I don't understand why, though I don't feel like I deserve to be loved, I love her too. She's the best thing that's happened to me and she gives me hope. I want her to come out of treatment this time healthy so I can spend the rest of my life with her. I don't want to be with anyone else. I don't want to kiss anyone else's lips. I don't want to be in anyone else's arms than hers.
I just hope I can kick this ED for her. Truthfully I am so tired of this roller coaster. I want it to fucking stop. I feel like shit when I restrict my calories. I feel like shit when I binge, and I feel like shit when I purge. Same for the cutting. I barely do it anymore but whenever I do it it doesn't satisfy me like it used to. It just pisses me off. Namely because I don't have a real razor blade to use. But that's beside the point! I need to quit. I owe it to all of my loved ones.
Tomorrow's Christmas Eve! I'm going to my grandparents' house to a family get together and we'll eat good food and open presents. I am actually excited. I really do love my family and am blessed to have them in my life. I have an enormous family and they are all so loving towards me. It's taken me so many years to be grateful for this! But at least I am grateful now.
Saturday I am going to visit my girlfriend at the treatment center. Going to bring her her Christmas present and card I made her. She said just today that Christmas means nothing to her anymore. So I have to make it mean something! I want to make her happy and give her hope that things will turn out alright. I have to be there for her as much as I can. That's all I want: to make her happy and make her feel loved.
On a last encouraging note, I just posted this on my tumblr today (My tumblr is mypallidreflection.tumblr.com if anyone actually reads this and would like to find my tumblr.) :
"Thinking back to my 14 to 16 year old self makes me want to cry. That Katie was so different than the Katie I know today. That Katie believed that no one really loved her, that she was nothing but a worthless sack of shit. She spent all of her energy hating herself and hating everyone else who wanted to help. She attempted suicide more times than anyone should, she was hospitalized 6 times. She cut and cut and CUT, leaving deep wounds and purple scars that took quite a bit of time to turn white. She overdosed on pills over and over. She had no respect for herself or her body. She starved herself and send nudes to strangers. She recorded videos of her cutting and took pictures of herself bleeding. She burned her entire right arm with a hair straightener. She was so damn lost. She didn’t understand why she felt so empty and miserable all the time. She repeatedly just wished she could be dead to make all the pain stop.
I want to hug her so badly and tell her everything will end up alright. Because the Katie I know now is in such a better place. She still occasionally hurts herself but she is so strong now. She knows she has many friends and family who love her to pieces. She has hope for her future. Her depression and anxiety is under check. She still has to fight daily to keep herself from self destructing. But the fight gets easier. It won’t go away but it will get easier."
I hope it will get easier for everyone else too! We all can recover from any disorder, keep that in mind. I hope everyone has a very merry christmas. Enjoy the holidays with your families, or other loved ones if you don't spend the holidays with your families.
Best wishes,
Katie :)

Yesterday at my therapy appointment I was given an ultimatum: keep starving and get sent off to the state psychiatric hospital, or start eating again and stay on the road to recovery.
So I chose recovery of course! No way was I going to spend the rest of my life locked up in the legit mad house!! I can't believe my therapist was so ready to call the hospital on me. Good thing I decided to eat. I need to stay at home so I don't break my friends and family's hearts... I can't afford to ruin my future anymore. Plus, I need to stay home also so I'll be here when my friend gets out of treatment! I hope that will be soon, but she's having a really hard time... I feel like that's partly my fault because I told her how I was starving myself and she got really upset. I'm waiting for her next phone time so I can tell her everything. I hope I can make things right...
Today I had for breakfast: 2 pecan pancakes and chocolate soy milk
lunch: peanut caramel protein bar and turkey sandwich.
Snack will be next, around 3:00! I think I'll have some greek yogurt.

I'm trying not to overdo it with eating, because yesterday after that appointment I went a little overboard for lunch and dinner. So keying it down today. My stomach is really bloated by all of this food and I feel like I've gained at least 5 pounds... Ugh. But I'll keep eating, no worries. I really do feel better mentally and emotionally when I'm feeding myself. And I really have no reason to keep starving myself and lose weight. I have a support team and friends and family who care so much. I have been taking everything for granted and being really selfish by trying to kill myself via anorexia. I don't know what happened in my head for me to want that more than anything. I think part of the reason is that I have a fear of failure. Sometimes I feel like I'll get nowhere in life, that I won't ever learn how to drive, I won't be able to finish college, get a job, live on my own...
But that's only my disorder telling me this stuff. I have as much a chance as everyone else in being successful at life! I need to keep telling myself I CAN do this. I can do anything I set my mind to.
I should know, because I know that in the past when I set my mind to losing weight, that's exactly what I did. So now I can put my time and determination into recovery instead of relapse.

Nov 4

So about that last post! That was the night I took 5 Lamictal, 5 Zyprexa, drank Fluoride mouthwash, and cut my leg. I was pretty suicidal but I don't know if what I did actually legitimately counts as a suicide attempt. I just got really reallyy sleepy and dizzy, and had to keep reminding myself to breathe on the drive up to the emergency department. My parents were pretty freaked and I was too kind of, about the breathing part. I wondered more than once if my body had just had it.
But no charcoal drinking that time!! They just let me sleep off all the effects of the pills for over a day, laying in the emergency room hooked up to an IV and heart monitor. Oh and I didn't tell anyone about the fluoride. I figured I didn't drink enough to do any real damage.
After all that sleep and boredom when I WAS awake, I was taken back to the psych ward again. My fifth time at that particular one, and this time I was on the adult ward.
It was creepy as FUCK! The adults had disabilities, missing teeth, and alcoholism. On the unit I was in anyway. I was really freaked/grossed out. And they all told me I was skinny (even though the last time I was in that hospital I weighed fucking 115 at 5'9"--now THAT was skinny). And they said I was just "so young," I "have my whole life ahead of me!"
I know that dammit. And it's scary as fuck. Yeah, life is scary.
I purged like 8 times while I was there for just 4 days. Cuz I ate like a pig. Three meals a day with THREE snacks as well! Crazy fattening. But I couldn't help myself because I found it soo hard to starve at the time.
I was lucky to get out so soon, though. My last stay in 2011 I had to stay TWELVE days--and THEN I was transferred to a residential behavioral hospital (AKA the hellhole known as Brynn Marr, in Jacksonville, North Carolina). But enough about that.
So I got to go home, I got to keep listening to my music and texting/facebooking my friends. Everything went back to normal. No new therapist or psychiatrist--still seeing my same ones, and my same nutritionist as well.
I was pretty happy to be back home, ESPECIALLY when my friend whom I met in an eating disorder treatment facility moved back to North Carolina--around an hour's drive from where I live. Things were peachy. I got really close with her, I got back on track with school, I was eating "healthy".

Everything changed on November first. Truthfully, it had been starting to change, say, October 30th. My friend was not following her meal plan at all, she wasn't eating enough to keep the weight on. I was starting to get triggered, and I was slightly restricting my caloric/food intake as well.
Then Nov 1st, she told me that she had to go back to the treatment center. Her doctors and therapist, and the staff at the treatment center all agreed she needed to come back. She was almost back to her admission weight.
Everything kind of fell apart. I don't blame her at all! I just felt so hurt and alone when I heard the news. She hadn't been deliberately trying to lose weight. And yet she still needed to go back. I began starving myself again. Ultimately eating 500 (but probably less actually) calories a day. it's my way of fucking coping. Today she's being admitted. I am overwhelmed with the fact I won't be able to see her for a while, and I am overwhelmed with school. I do not have an overload of work--I just have French (which I need to study) and English (for which I have a research paper and presentation to get started on). Call me lazy, I'll admit it. I just DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING THIS SHIT.
My mood is in the toilet. I have only eaten several grapes today and it is 4:05. For dinner I plan on eating a slice of white bread, with an UBER thin slice of turkey. Less than 100 calories. (And yet I still want to eat even less, if not anything AT ALL.)
I don't know, I'm just tired of everything. I want my heart to fail, I want to die from this eating disorder. Of course, I'll probably end up back in treatment before that happens. But I'm fine with that too. As long as it helps me escape from the real world.
The real world is full of anxieties, depression, hopelessness, helplessness, and disappointment.
I'm too lazy to want to keep dealing with it.
I figure once I get skinny again, it will make everything better. In a negative way, but still better.
Just fuck everything.

Tonight's the night.

From one extreme to another

It's weird how I go from one opposite to another. I don't feel better now. I've started just last night to hoard my pills till I have enough to overdose on. I don't want to fucking eat anymore. I've had it with my fat self. I am NOT going to gain any more weight. I'm going to try to lose weight again, whether I have to starve myself or purge, I don't care. I'll do both. What's the point if I'm just going to kill myself in the end anyway?
What do I have to live for? Nothing. I'm so tired of this pointless life. I'm ready to go.

Things are getting bad again

I cut last night...Forgot how much I miss it. I only have safety pins, mind you, I would LOVE to have an actual fucking blade.
I know, WHY am I cutting?? I don't know. Everything just feels like it's turning to shit again. I'm lonely as ever and sometimes I just get that feeling that no matter what I do I'll end up meaningless and alone. Life is such bullshit sometimes. It's really hard to keep going to the same place every day knowing that you have no friends there. It's hard eating all the fucking time without purging. It's hard to stay awake when all you want to do is sleep your life away. It's hard to feel motivated when you feel like no one gives a fuck. It's hard to live for your family when you know that they're the only reason keeping you alive.
It's hard to just keep going on, period, when things get dark again and it's hard to find your way out.
No matter how much life starts looking up again, there's always the same demons at your back, reminding you of the past five years. What's going to make the rest of this year any different than all the years before it? I'm still depressed, hopeless, alone, and fucking pointless.
I know I have control but at the same time I don't. I just don't want to fight my mind anymore. It's easier to give in to the depression and cutting. Why fight something that only wants to ATTEMPT to make you feel better? Who AM I if I'm not hurting myself in some way? I'm no one and that's all I'll ever be. I can journal to Vas all I want and listen to music all fucking day but in the end I am still nothing. Nothing I can do will ever change anything. I really just want to die, now. I look into my future and see things only getting worse. I think things are bad NOW? I'm wrong. People age, they die, they leave, they get fed up with you. My family won't be here forever. I'll most likely never see my treatment friends again. I can't bring myself to even communicate with anyone at school; I get so apathetic. Fuck EVERYTHING.
I just want to give up. I'm tired of this meaningless life. I'm drowning in it.

Happy?

I really feel like a new, different, better person now. I no longer want to look emaciated. I don't find that attractive anymore. Of course, there still is that sick part in my brain that gets uber jealous when I see anorexic girls. But to be honest, the bigger better part of me finds curves to be attractive, now. And that makes me so HAPPY! I am starting to feel actually comfortable in my own body now. My arms are still slender, I wear a size 6 in jeans, but that's alright since I'm 5'10". I think my metabolism is speeding up again, and I'm eating pretty much whatever I want. No starving, binging, or purging anymore. Some days I may eat a little too much carbs or some shit, but that's fucking normal! Fuck my nutritionist if she doesn't agree. I am NOT eating too much, period. I'm eating normally, healthily, like any other non-disordered girl out there.
I don't need to be skinny anymore to like my body. To tell the truth, I'm pretty damn happy with my body, now. Which is just fucking awesome. It is amazing to be able to feel comfortable in my own skin, after years and years thinking I was too bony growing up, or too fat (in my anorexic years).
But SERIOUSLY seeing my body as just FINE all started when I began listening to Hanzel und Gretyl and saw Vas Kallas up on that stage in youtube performances. Never had I ever thought that a curvy woman could be attractive until I saw her. I have no CLUE why it suddenly changed then but I am glad it did! NEED to start embracing myself with positive body images.
It just feels so great to have a normally functioning body now and positive thoughts. Now I just need to start making new friends...but that is like the hardest thing for me to do (in person). :/
Hopefully some day I will begin to feel comfortable around other people. But if I'm not today, then I have the rest of my life to practice.

Well today I made some more progress in my math class, which is a first in my life. Usually I'm terrible at math but this class I'm enrolled in is quite easy.
School is getting really annoying. Well, namely the other students there. Seriously, would it kill you to not shun or ignore me? xD I know I'm weird but I'm not a fucking leper. Geez, it's like being in high school again. Makes me feel like shit again and I miss cutting/starving/purging.
But I don't have to turn to any of those anymore. I know I have real friends who actually care about me, so none of the assholes at school matter. It's nice to be able to leave school and come home to music, family, and messaging my best friend.
Really, though, I would so be DEAD now if it wasn't for music!
I friended Vas Kallas on facebook and I doubt she'll friend me back, but oh well. I knew it would bother me for the rest of my life if I didn't grab the opportunity. When I get really sad or lonely I really just wish I actually knew Vas. It would be fucking awesome if we were friends. But alas, my life is boring and pointless. :/
I'll have to settle with only listening to music and texting/FB messaging my friends. (Cuz all my friends don't even live near me. That's the downside of keeping friends from treatment centers.)
Le sigh...

September 8

Math has got me stressing but I'll live.
Today was alright, despite being dragged to church as usual. I pulled out my book and read through the service. Lunch at my grandma's, I tried not to eat too much, but failed. Then I listened to music and did homework for the rest of the day. So just a normal day... feeling a little bit better. It's the small things that make life okay.
Watching Doctor Who, eating good food (whether it be healthy or junk), reading, music, HANZEL UND GRETYL AND THE CRUXSHADOWS... :3 Can't leave out Genitorturers too.
Well, that's all I've got to say today. Hopefully tomorrow I won't get too bored while at school. Or too stressed. It's either one or the other. At least I'm withdrawing from my psychology class. That will definitely lighten the load. I haven't been liking the class one bit, either. I must be plain lazy, then. Or too depressed to actually care.
Nah, take that back. I remember what it's like to be too depressed to care, and I am not in that state of mind anymore. Thinking much clearer!

Well shit

Haven't felt right since last night.
Haven't been this lonely in a long time. Now I'm starting to get that dissociative feeling where nothing is real and nothing matters. This whole feeling hasn't come over me in extreme since I was in maybe the 9th or 10th grade. I remember just walking down the hallways in school and everything would start vibrating. I was floating. At night I'd lay in my room staring at the wall not being able to move. I wanted to get up and do something, cut or something, to make myself feel better. But I couldn't bring myself to get up. I couldn't do shit. I wanted to cut away the feeling so badly.
If you ask me, it was the medication I was on. Zoloft really fucked me up, though partly the fault was mine, for taking more than needed every day. I guess I just wanted another way to hurt myself besides cutting.
Now I haven't cut since that last time I broke my razor to get to the blades. I recarved FAT into my leg and did some other minor cuts. Some small skinny rows of cuts. Looking at the scars now. Maybe they'll become raised if they don't fade.
Now I have another razor I could break, but I really need that to shave with. And I don't want to have to have another talk with my mom. She doesn't get shit..
She doesn't get how sometimes everything is just too much. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to be around anyone. I don't want to do classwork.
Starting to have more suicidal thoughts, now. I know that if I do attempt again I won't tell anyone. I don't want to bring attention on myself. If I wanted attention, I could actually, you know, walk up to someone and start conversation. But I don't want that. I do want friends but I don't want to get close to anyone at the same time. People only end up hurting you. And to be honest, most people either annoy me or piss me off. Hence why I stay a loner.
I don't really know what to think anymore. I hate this feeling. I miss the past, though it was so dark. But at least I had the blade to cope with. I don't have that luxury anymore.
If people found out I was cutting again they would think I'm a fucking liar. Because everyone thinks I'm doing so much better. I can't let anyone think I've been lying the whole time. Because I haven't. I HAVE been doing better, or so I thought. So why suddenly do I feel like shit again?
It's because I just started college. I feel like I'm back in my high school days, with no friends but music. I don't know a soul who even has anything in common with me. Words can't describe how fucking lonely I am.
I don't even know what I want to DO anymore. The depression is back wanting to pull me under. My eating disorder is still on my back, telling me I've gotten so fat and that I don't deserve to have dessert, or any carbs to be exact.
I had thought my cutting urges were gone for good but now I'm just thinking about cutting more and more. I miss the release, the blood, the open wounds... I remember how in high school I made myself anemic due to all the blood loss. I couldn't even stay awake in class.
Why do I fucking miss that?? I felt like shit! But I just want to cut. I want to make deep cuts again, make more scars that won't fade. I miss my coping mechanism. Sometimes my other coping skills aren't enough.
I admit that maybe if I actually talked to someone about this before I actually go and hurt myself, then maybe that would help. MAYBE.
I don't trust anyone to tell them how I'm feeling, however. If I want to cut, then I'm going to cut. If I'm going to try to kill myself, then I will try. It's true. I don't want anyone to stop me. I don't deserve help. I don't deserve the loving parents I have. True, they love me. They don't understand me a bit. That's what gets to me. Why would I want to talk to someone who thinks that their love is enough to keep me from hurting myself? I know people love me! I wish they DIDN'T. I don't deserve that and I don't need those ties to bring me down.
I try not to depend on anyone. I don't want my parents to depend on me. I don't want anyone to depend on me. I'm not a good person. Never was.
I'm tired of rambling. Goodbye for now.

Seriously, the only thing that makes my day is music and my favorite band members. I wish I could meet Dani Filth or Vas Kallas. But that probably won't happen until I'm older, and by then, they'll be older as well and just not the same.
I don't even want to get started on the topic of aging. It scares me. Everyone you love gets older and closer to dying each day. Sometimes when I think about it too much I get so fucking anxious. And *I* become afraid of aging! Sometimes I think I'd be better off dying young than getting old. I can't imagine getting wrinkles, and everyone thinking I'm just another old geyser.
Why am I suddenly worrying about this stuff? I'm fucking 18!
Just ugh...
Yesterday was pretty unpleasant. But to end my night I drew some. I kind of miss drawing. I don't really like sketching anything besides people, though. Even though sometimes people can be so hard to draw. But usually once I get started, the proportions even themselves out and my drawings look decent.
So I have drawn Dani and Vas so far... I wonder who's next? Maybe I could try to draw Chibi from The Birthday Massacre? I don't know... I might not. I could always turn to drawing faeries, elves, and mermaids again. That was fun while it lasted. But after a while I got frustrated because I felt as if my drawing skills went down the toilet. But some days I just can't draw, while on others, my work looks fine. I guess some days are just like that.
Have my psych class today. Not looking forward to that. I'm going to drop it if I do terrible (like I expect) on my first exam next Tuesday.. I just can't retain all the info coming from that class. My memory is horrible, thanks to countless overdoses and years of being malnourished.
But that's life. It sucks.
Today I think will be a better day. I am in control of my emotions now, where in the past I just let my depression and loneliness take over me. NOT ANYMORE.
Mental illness will never rule my life again. I won't let it.
There are some things to live for... that is until you get old! Ha, back to the start. I really don't want to get old, and I don't want the people I love to get old, either. It's just disconcerting. :/

Some days are just hard and I lose my appetite... Sometimes I forget how much I like to feel hungry and cold. The cold turns my skin blotchy and makes my fingers, hands, and wrists look smaller. Then I can pretend that I'm sick again.
I just wish I really was sick. Feeling lonely and unreal. If I could I'd eat my lunch and then purge it, but I didn't bring a drink with me so the food wouldn't really come up if I tried.
Gotta stop thinking like this. I'm supposed to be better and healthy. I LOOK healthy. That's the part I hate. Healthy on me looks fat and it doesn't suit me. I'd always been thin and underweight all through growing up. I never really got fat until my first eating disorder treatment center. Ever since it's been so hard to lose weight and get skinny, where before it was the easiest thing in the world to stay thin. I could eat whatever I wanted sometimes and hardly gain any weight at all. Why does treatment always have to fuck with my metabolism? It fucks with SOMETHING; I'm just not sure what. (So I'm guessing with metabolism.) I used to have such a fast metabolism, even when I was purely restricting. It never slowed down and I never gained any weight. If only I had never gone to treatment... I might still weigh less than 117. :/

Back

Decided to start blogging again. Writing in my journal pisses me off because my handwriting is only getting ever the sloppier, so typing shall be the way to go.
Recovery is going alright, I purge sometimes (which is usually impulsively) but mostly I am quitting. Just yesterday I almost purged again but I stopped myself. That's how I know my eating disorder is slowly dying. I can't help but to feel sad about that, but it's the way it has to be. I am happier when I eat and when I keep the food inside me. It is impossible to ever be happy eating 500 calories each day, walking with death and always wondering when you'll finally die. ED always tells you it would all be worth it as long as you're incredibly skinny, but it is never worth it. I need to live. The past five years of my life I have wasted, to say the least.
Now I am in college and though it is overwhelming, I am still surviving.. And I must add, music makes everything tolerable. <3
I have added some Hanzel und Gretyl, Genitorturers, and The Cruxshadows on my iPod. Love it!
Lately I am actually questioning my sexuality. I don't really feel like going into detail over it, but to say the least, I don't trust males and I never have.. I find myself more and more admiring girls, loving that I can relate to so many friends I've met in treatment, how I can trust all my friends (who are girls). I don't know, something is definitely changing. And I think it's for the best. I hope whenever I do find a partner I will be happy, whether it's a girl or a guy.
Well that's it for now. Until later.

Well then

I'm not going to be posting on this blog anymore. I've decided to give recovery another shot, this time without having to go back to treatment. I still would kill to be as skinny as I used to be, but have to keep reminding myself that there is more to life than being thin, and waiting for the number on the scale to be low enough. ED is full of SHIT. My friend from treatment, HER friend from treatment ended up dying today from her own eating disorder. I don't want anyone to have to deal with losing me thanks to my starving & puking. Fuck ED. I don't need my eating disorder to define who I am anymore. I doubt anyone's reading this blog anyway, but if you are then you need to get help now before you let ED take over your life. I'm not letting it take over mine any more. Not ever again. I know I'll end up relapsing eventually, that is inevitable. But I don't have to let a relapse cause me to go back to treatment, or even worse, die. I'm ready to move on with my life. I have college to attend to, I need to learn how to drive, I need to work on getting a real life for myself.

Best of luck to everyone else out there is trying to recover. <3

Tired

Today was my therapist appointment. Long story short I refuse to "recover on my own". I can't bring myself to eat. It fucking scares me and I don't want to gain weight again! So because I "can't take care of myself" I'll be off to treatment soon... To another different place this time, it looks like. According to my mom I made no improvement at the last center I was at, apparently I didn't "participate" in anything and slept the whole time. No shit. I was on Lithium and that knocked me out...literally. I couldn't keep myself awake most of the fucking time. That had nothing to do with me "not participating". Ugh.

Anyway, so I don't know when or where I'm going yet. But damn I feel so fucking guilty. All the shit I put my family through... I am such a selfish, horrible fat person. I don't know what's ever gonna make me want to recover though. Something's holding me back but I don't know what IT is. I'm going fucking crazy.

I WANT to be normal around food, I want to be able to be "healthy" as in not starving myself and definitely not binging. I don't know how to be normal anymore. I just can't eat "healthy". I can't do this while I'm at home. Not while I have the opportunity to do whatever the hell I want. Cuz when it's my choice, I'm just gonna do whatever the fuck I want to do. No one's gonna stop me. Because of this I hate myself. It's like the only one I think about the most and care about is myself. I just want to starve myself to death so I can get rid of this burden everyone knows me as. Is it too much to ask that I want to fade away? I hate having people think I only do this for attention, that I'm just stubborn and stupid.

I would like to know what it's like to be normal again. But yet at the same time I just don't want to "recover". I am full of contradictions. I hate everything.

It will be a relief once I'm away from home and my parents. I hate what I'm putting them through. And I do hate that I'm distancing myself from my entire family. It's like everyone just gets on my nerves all the time. I am irritable and just beyond caring. I don't want to be around my family anymore. Being around them knowing that they know I'm vulnerable like this makes me ashamed.

I have to keep telling myself I am made of stone, so I won't end up crying in front anyone. I don't need to cry. It just makes me look even weaker, and makes people think I care. I hate to say it but sometimes I really just don't care what my family does. All I can focus on is myself, I want to waste away. I'm sick of myself and sick of everyone around me. I don't want to live this life anymore.

What a week it's already been

Okayy...recap. Sunday I binged. On strawberry cobbler, pecan pie, ice cream, fudge... I had a very big dinner as well, with a kit kat for dessert. Was VERY unhappy with myself. A lot of progress thrown down the drain. Not to mention that night after eating fruit snacks I purged. 

After the day, I thought I could try to eat a bit more healthier than I had been. I thought shooting for 900 calories a day would help me to not binge anymore. But yesterday I freaked the fuck out when I went over 600. Definitely not a good idea for me to increase my calorie budget. Yesterday I had a bagel with cream cheese which I tried to purge. It didn't come back up hardly at all. Then I had ice cream which I started to purge until I missed the plastic bag and got a little puke on my sweatpants. So I changed pants quickly and missed the opportunity to finish that purge. Then for dinner I had some edamome. Just 90 calories.. I think I attempted to purge after that but quickly gave up before I got caught.

 Today I ate a lot better. Had veggie chips (150), bread (50), jelly (which may have been 30 or less), and fruit snacks...which were 200. I tried to purge those. I think I got rid of most of them. Pretty much nothing came up after a while And I was dry heaving. So either I got them all up or they just refused to come up. I'm not sure. (Yes, the fruit snacks are 200 because in ONE individual  bag, they put two and a fucking half servings of the fruit snacks. That's America: supersize me.)

Well, I think I am still losing weight. Sunday was just a set back. And Monday. Discounting the purging I had probably 660 calories yesterday. So today, 450 was VERY good. I believe in myself, so I won't binge anymore. It was just so hard to resist all the fucking dessert at my grandma's house on Sunday. Jesus.

Tomorrow, I see my therapist. The dreaded appointment. If I am honest, then she'll definitely suggest I go back to treatment. I don't really think I CAN'T be honest. I don't look very good. Some people would say I'm starting to look sick. And I know all the purging makes my face look sick. My therapist in the mental hospital once told me that. (That's how she had figured out I was purging.)

So yes, tomorrow will be the end of this limbo. I'll finally know whether I'm staying or going. I'm so anxious. In a way, I want to go back to treatment because I am so sick of all my shit. I want to have a normal relationship with food, I really do. I hate eating and instantly feeling fat and guilty. I need to get better in that department. I really don't want to gain weight, though. I know I am underweight for my height. So I probably need to gain some weight. And if I go to treatment that will be inevitable. So that's the only reason I wouldn't want to go. But I know if I stay home I will get much worse. I won't stop until I starve to death. Or puke to death for that matter. Now that I figured out how to purge in other places besides the toilet it is a lot easier to get away with. I try to only eat "safe" foods, though, in case I don't get to finish purging them. Don't want to eat a bunch of dessert and get caught in the middle of purging them. Then I'd have to live with all that fatness in my belly. No thanks.

God, I will be so relieved tomorrow when I find out whether I'm leaving or not. I hate this limbo. 

I hate everything

I want to fucking die. I’m sick of my life. All I do is fuck things up. No matter how skinny I get, nothing will ever get better. But is that going to make me want to “recover”? Not really. I just don’t want to ever stop starving ever again. I don’t deserve to eat. I don’t deserve to get better. I hate myself. I wish I could escape my life. I keep hurting everyone around me and they don’t deserve it. I hope I starve to death or at least go to treatment so I can escape my life. I’m so fucking sick of everything. I’m sick of myself and of my family, I’m sick of what I do to myself and what I do to everyone around me. I want to be someone else. I don’t wanna be me, anymore. I don’t know, words can’t describe this feeling I have. I just don’t want to be here anymore. And I’m too numb to cry. I feel like I’m made of stone. I kept myself from crying in therapy and from crying when arguing with my mom yesterday as well. Now that I have the opportunity, I just can’t. What’s the point? I can’t feel anything. I don’t WANT to feel anything. I’m tired of being here. No matter how much I say that though, it won’t change anything. All I can do is keep restricting/starving until I finally get sent away. I don’t care if they make me gain more weight, at least it’ll be easier than doing it at home around everyone who drives me crazy. I’m going to escape this house somehow.

PISSED OFF

Today my therapist told me if I don't show any improvement in my eating by next week's appointment they'll start looking into treatment centers for me... WHAT THE FUCK! I'm not even fucking sick yet! My BMI is like 17.9. Fuck my life I'm a fucking fat ass. I used to be normally 16 when I was more underweight. I miss it so much.
I just don't understand why everyone else gets to stay home & get so sick while I can't! My fucking parents freak the fuck out when I relapse. What the hell? Get over yourselves! I'm not going to DIE. Christ.
Fuck me, fuck my family & treatment team, & fuck my life. I just want to die sometimes, I wouldn't mind after all if my heart gave out.

Kinda confused.

So sometimes I feel like I'm losing weight, I mean, I am. But painfully slowly. My mom would beg to differ. I guess everyone else sees something different than me. But last night I took a picture of me in my bra and panties. And all I see is a fat piece of shit. Did that digital scale really say 125 when I last weighed myself? It really can't be right. But the scale never lied before. I just feel like last year when I got down to 125 I was at least a little thinner. I could fit into my 0 jeans again. (Of course, they were kinda stretched from me wearing them all the time.) I guess I'm losing weight in different spots than last time.
My mom is constantly saying she is trying to understand me. Bitch please. That's not going to fucking happen so stop fucking trying! You don't have a fucking eating disorder. Get over yourself. I honestly don't care anymore when you say you'll never stop loving me no matter how much I hurt you and the rest of the family by hurting myself. I am so done with caring about my family. I have to force myself not to. Because if I let myself care, then I will feel like I need to give up my eating disorder. I can't do that. Recovery scares me, and so does the thought of gaining weight, even the thought of STAYING at this weight.
I am selfish I know. But I am keeping my wants higher than the wants of the rest of my family. They don't know me. They think they're hurting more than I am. Bullshit. No one knows how I fucking feel.
I would LOVE to be normal again. But I don't know how. I haven't been normal in so long.

Exasperated.

I feel like I'll never get this weight off me!! Saw my nutritionist today who right after weighing me, said "So, I'm guessing you're still not eating?" I'm not sure if she thought I'd lost any weight or not. I mean, sometimes I feel like I have lost weight, because some parts of me seem to be shrinking. But I look in the mirror and I still look fat! Or "healthy", however you call it. My fucking stomach won't go away. I don't want to have an ideal or healthy body anymore. I just want to be sick skinny. Stick skinny. You get the picture.

I ate yogurt this morning (90), one bite of a chocolate candy (which I'm guessing was around 50 calories) and veggie chips for dinner (150). BUT I really am not sure how much the candy was so I still feel like shit. I am hungry as fuck, though. Brought up some reeses cups and kisses to chew and spit tonight. I am always craving chocolate, among other deserts. I'd really like to chew and spit marshmallows too, but my sister would notice them missing, seeing as they're on the kitchen counter. Oh well...

I'll try to do some exercises before I chew & spit. I REALLY REALLY want to lose weight so bad. I am so exasperated with my body, just like how everyone around me is exasperated with me.

Ugh

I'm still the same weight. I have been thinking about completely giving up today and binging. But I need to hold myself accountable. When I say I'm going to get skinny, I MEAN it. I'm not gonna be some fake ass hypocrite who says, "Yeah, I have an eating disorder" but eats all the fucking time. Fuck that.
I got some candy from my grandma today. I plan on chewing and spitting tonight. That's the closest I'll get to binging. Mind you, if I could, I WOULD binge, but I'm afraid I won't get the chance to purge afterward. Either that or I wouldn't get to purge it all. So chewing and spitting it is, then.
I can't wait. I have been craving chocolate for so long. I'll have to sneak up here tonight with a couple of ziplock bags so I can spit in them and throw them away. Easy. Gah, I really can't wait. I'm fucking starving.
Ate maybe 40 to 45 calories of yogurt this morning, and that's it. Going to have veggie chips for dinner, which is 150. That'll be it for today. I don't care if I get bitched at for my parents. I'm fat and no one is going to convince me different. I need to lose weight.

Hate myself.

Will I EVER get fucking skinny again? I have to keep reminding myself that it's only been a week of pure restricting, so far, that it takes time to lose 20 pounds, just like it did last year... It took a month at least till I lost those 20 pounds.
FUCK. I just want it to happen already. I hate not being able to fit into any jeans lower than a 4 or a 5. I am so motherfucking fat I want to cut all the fat off my arms, stomach, ass, thighs, and legs. There's fat EVERYWHERE. I kinda want to cry because that's just how hopeless I feel about ever losing weight. Could it be that 500 or less calories a day isn't working this time? I mean, it HAS to be. I DO have a fast metabolism cuz usually when I restrict even under 1000 calories, I seem to lose weight. I think I'm just afraid I'm not using weight is only because I don't have access to a scale to see if I am or not. UGH. I'll have to give my grandma a visit tomorrow and weigh myself.
Fuck me.

Ughhh

I'm fucking pissed off, the scale is hidden in a new spot, now. I'll have to wait till I get to go to my grandmother's house sometime so I can weigh myself then. I am pissed off at everything today. I feel like I'm getting stuck and can't lose any weight at the moment. I hope it's just in my head, but I'll find out within the next couple of days, probably, whether I've been losing weight or not.
Today I had less than half a 90 calorie carton of yogurt. For lunch, I went out to eat with a friend and ended up getting a chicken salad. There was way more chicken on the bowl than salad. I tried not to eat too much. Had a little less than half of it, I think. Not sure. I did a lot of picking around and stuff. I feel like I had way too much chicken, though. Hopefully that's just me. My stomach told me different.
For dinner, I had 60 calorie bread slice with maybe 30 to 40 calories worth of raspberry jam. I also had some grapes with it. But I usually don't count fruit's calories. Impossible to gain weight off of fruit. At least, it is for me...
Anyhoo, today was a sucky day. When I went out with my friend for lunch, it was for her "graduation party" and her sister, boyfriend, and friends came too. I didn't much get warmed up to any of them. I suck at meeting new people. I felt so unwelcome. Good news though we went to Hot Topic and I got a couple of pretty cool bracelets at least... There are some clothes there I think are sooo cute. Like with the whole "gothic lolita" touch... I didn't bother to get this really cute skirt though (I really wanted it) because I don't have any tops that match the same style. I need to change my entire wardrobe! All I wear at home is boring teeshirts and sweatpants. I have a couple of outfits I reserve for when I go out, since I don't go out that often. I basically live in sweatpants because wearing jeans makes me feel enormous. At least until I get down to a size 0 again...
Still pissed about the scale business. Ugh. I hate my family sometimes.

Today in a nutshell

Start out feeling great, wearing a spaghetti strap shirt because I'm obsessed with it. I've had it for over 3 years and I can still fit into it. It shows what little bones you can see right now because it's skin tight. It makes me feel thin even though I'm not. The more I look at myself the bigger I see myself get. I know, I had 410 calories today, and I should be losing weight, right? I probably am losing more weight but am scared to weigh myself because I don't want to know if I've actually gained weight. Decided to start weighing myself once a week because then maybe it'll feel like I'm losing weight faster. I watch thinspo on youtube, listen to thinspo songs, read Wasted by Marya Hornbacher, sometimes to exercises... I am very motivated. I know I'm making progress in my logical state of mind but my distorted part of my mind keeps telling me I'm as fat as ever and need to lose at least 10 more pounds before I can be skinny again. I know it won't be long till I do lose that much weight as long as I keep this diet up. I know I can do it. I just wish I could look in the mirror, though and not see so much fat.
I feel very weak and tired, light headed a little bit. I'm not sure if I can focus or not. I'm too tired to bother with reading. I only read one short chapter today. The only book I want to be reading is Wasted though, but I have to read it in secret at night, in my room.
My nutritionist called my mom yesterday and filled her head with lies. She thinks I won't be able to function properly in college. I just enrolled, need to finish the process, but once I do, I'll be going to a community college. But now even my mom thinks I won't be able to take the test to get it, let alone be able to function in my classes. It's bullshit. I feel like I can. It takes a whiiiiiile for me to get that sick. Sometimes I doubt I even can get sick. I feel superhuman. Like nothing can kill me. I've attempted suicide 6 legit times, and have lost over 20 pounds last year, but all those times I never seemed to be close to death. I used to wonder at one point if I even can die.
I know I want to get sick, then it will mean I'm finally skinny. I just don't know if I CAN get sick. I try my damned hardest. I hope it will work. I do want to starve to death. Why not, you know? Then I would accomplish being ultimately thin and everyone will know me as the best anorexic ever. I don't wanna be EDNOS. I want to be diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. I mean, I am 25 pounds underweight for my height now, according to the charts. I just don't look it, in my opinion. I hope that's just my distorted brain, and everyone else thinks I'm thin. Hopefully one day I CAN look in the mirror and see only skin and bones.<3

OMG guyz.

I weigh 125 now!! W00t. It's really easy like this for me to lose weight, once I'm determined. God, I'm so excited. EVERY fucking argument I get in over not eating/restricting is SO worth this!! I CAN be skinny again! Yay c:

Really sucky day.

Today I ate 8 piece grilled chicken nuggets. For dinner I had less than half of a cheesy chicken quesadilla, but purged some of that. I'm not sure if I got all of it out. I gave up and went to wash my hands and face, but my mom walked in on me cleaning up so it was pretty obvious she would know if I lied so I told her the truth, that I purged. I did in the trashcan. Had to get the back filled with puke out and threw it in another, larger trashcan. I was so ashamed and guilty about purging, only because my parents found out. I had a little talk with my mom which consisted of crying and hugs. I remember bits and pieces of what she said, but my memory sucks. I couldn't really focus on what she was saying some of the time, I was distraught. I really hate myself, and I hate this ED. But I think I hate my fatass body even more. I am scared to eat, scared to maintain this weight, and so so SCARED of gaining even more weight. The only route I can take is to lose weight. I am so fucked, I know. Only thing I can see happening is me getting sick again and inevitably being sent back to treatment. I really don't want to go, know I shouldn't go, but if it happens it happens. I feel so shitty about doing this to my family but I just can't give it up. I really can't. I don't know how to live without this ED anymore.

Tomorrow I see my psychiatrist, who really hates me. She always is so rude when I talk to her, saying I shouldn't be reading this or that, it's not helping me, I need to get my act together and stop holding my parents hostage, blah blah blah. I know everything's my fault, why does she have to keep rubbing it in?

No doubt either she'll be asking me about my eating once she weighs me, or my mom will bring it up. I'm so not looking forward to it. I hate all the attention, it makes me feel like an undeserving attention whore. I'm tired of focusing all on this ED but I can't help it, it's all I can think about. I am driving myself fucking insane. 

After a day...

Yesterday I only ate rice & beans, for dinner. Today, I had one salad with chicken and fruit on it, and another tiny salad with a touch of cheese and vinaigrette. That was still progress, right? Went to see my nutritionist today, which ended badly. Not only did I argue with my mom on the way there, but I kinda sorta argued with my nutritionist as well. I just want to be sick again. It's my comfort zone. Is that TOO MUCH to fucking ask? I asked my mom why she and the rest of my family couldn't just stop caring, like my sister did about me? She hates me. It would be a hell of a lot easier if the rest of my family did, too. It would hurt, yeah, but it would be so much easier and I wouldn't feel guilty all the time. I need to get out of this house and escape my family so bad. Then I can lose as much weight as I want to. No one fucking understands me when I say I don't ever want to be fat again. I want to be sick, and if it kills me this time, then okay. I don't mind. I would rather be dead than sick. If I died, then at least maybe it would mean I'm good at SOMETHING. Fuck people, man. I wish everyone would just leave me alone. I am so pissed at everyone right now. I want to go off to a university and never see my family again. But alas, I never took the SAT or ACT so I must go to a community college near my home. My nutritionist today wouldn't stop saying how I wouldn't be able to focus in college if I was restricting. I know that will be true if I get sick enough this time, but I don't CARE! I just want to get away from everyone. I want to lose weight until I disappear. I am sick of all this attention. I feel like such an attention whore right now. I would love to fade out, off the face of the earth, to be honest.

I'm back.

I got out of the treatment center right before Christmas. I left on a sour note, I had been put on Lithium among other meds which were really fucking with my head. So because of that (I think) I had had a plan to kill myself the day I left treatment. (Alas the blade was not very sharp.) But anyway, I don't remember at all why I wanted to kill myself all through December, January, and February. I just remember being ridiculously depressed and shredding my arms. The first day I went back to school in 2013 I went straight to the bathroom and cut the fuck out of my right arm. Then when I left I went to the grocery store and stole a razor head, so I could break the razors out and use them. That night I cut my left arm and my neck. The next day I put on a scarf in the morning and took about 10 days worth of my Lithium, intending on going to school, taking them, and going to the grocery store down the road to buy some more pills and OD. I never got the chance. When my mom saw I was wearing a scarf she knew something was up. I didn't go to school after that. I almost was put in the psych ward when I told her my plans, but I manipulated her to not put me in there. After that, I was homeschooled for the rest of the year. Some time in February or March I broke up with my online boyfriend and then took 10 Lithium. I spent the next day in the ER because everyone freaked out and thought I would have to go through Dialysis. Hello people, it was only 10, though I did throw up two times. But yes, only 10, and it wasn't a suicide attempt. I just wanted to fuck myself up. The only reason I didn't get put in the psych ward was because it WASN'T a suicide attempt. Escaped yet again from treatment. Then later in March, my poor kitty died of kidney failure. It was the easter lilies my parents brought home from church. I should have known what would be poisonous to her, but we didn't know until it was too late. I really wanted to either die right then, or escape my lonely house to go to the hospital, but I did neither. I stuck it out. Didn't want to be in the hospital for my dad's birthday. I'd already done enough damage to my parents. After I had my incident with the Lithium, my psychiatrist took me off of it, since it wasn't helping my mood. But mainly because she didn't want me to OD on them, again.
After my kitty died, I began to relapse with my eating disorder. I didn't feel the need to eat. I wasn't hungry. I promised myself I wouldn't cut after my kitty died, so instead I restricted. That went on for a while until I finally gave in once I got my hunger back. So then for a loooong month I ate "normally". Or binged. I don't know the difference between the two. After that month, I decided to start restricting again. It's been on and off. I get fed up with myself and I restrict; I give in to my hunger and boredom, I binge. Now, I am restricting again, for good. I need to prove to myself that I'm still anorexic.
I graduated high school at the end of May. I got to celebrate that along with my birthday. It is AMAZING to be out of school. It has been a long road of school, frustration, hospitalizations, and school again. Now I just have to get into college. I am planning on going to a community college, seeing as I never took the SAT or the ACT. I never wanted to, anyway. But my plan is to go to community college, and then transfer to a university so I can major in writing/english. That is my dream. And I'm hoping once I go off to college I can get away with not eating, maybe start up again on purging, too. I am in dire need of losing weight; this is ridiculous! I wear a size 5 now, in jeans, whereas before I was a 0.
I went into treatment last fall at 117, height 5'10", now I don't know how much I weigh but I'd say 140 at the least. I fucking hate my fat ass body. Some people suggest that I might weigh less than that, that I am overestimating like always. But it feels like that is how much I weigh, now. I would like to know for sure how much I weigh, but then again, if I knew I would probably beat myself bloody. I have never hated my body this much. I cannot wait to be skinny, again. More so than ever before. I won't give up this time, and I won't go back to treatment. I would rather die than be fat.
I plan on writing in here more now, when I get the chance. Just something else to occupy myself with, I guess.